Overreaction

I overreact all the time but I hide it well. Or so I think. My overreaction is usually internal as I get upset but feel shame for what I'm upset over as I know my feelings are over the top and not facts. Someone could walk down the hall and have something in their eye and my assumption is they are making a face at me because they hate me. Yes, it's ridiculous and I know it. But even with all my knowing, understanding and self awareness, I can't control that internal overreaction.

Upset usually means hurt or triggered. Though I come across bitchy, I'm really not as angry as I can appear. Beneath my loud and obnoxious exterior is someone who gets hurt a lot. This hurt typically means embarrassment, shame or feeling rejected. Nearly all of the time I know my reaction is so far beyond what it should be and this brings on more shame because why can't you just be normal?

I don't need my therapist to know what's happening to me internally as it's a survival technique that I've learned to make me feel safe. Or to bring me back to perceived safety. There is this need to critique my every move, see if it's accepted, and make judgments on myself for my shortcomings. I suppose I feel like if I monitor myself at all times, then I can adjust my actions so no one leaves me or hurts me. Well it doesn't work that way, does it?

I had an extreme overreaction last night though this person had no idea it was happening as I hid it. I went to bed sobbing and woke up today still crying. It's humiliating, even only to yourself, when you can observe your emotional reaction and think, "What in fuck is wrong with you!?". I know what's wrong. I know where the hurt is, when it happened, how it happened and the effects on me. I just can't seem to get to the other side. I can't say, "This not a reflection of you!."

There it is: a reflection on me. I struggle to believe everything isn't a reflection of me. My life coach says I need to seek out experiences where I think I'll be hurt but find that my worst fears never happened and I'm actually accepted. I'm trying. I do this a ton but you won't know what I'm doing. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.". That's wonderful...but why are my feelings kind of hurt by it?

How do you get to the other side? I'm the self help queen and have read every book imaginable. I've been going to therapy a quarter of a century. I do yoga, meditation, journaling, blogging to the stratosphere....but the other side feels so far away.