Hiding

What are you hiding? What do you think will happen if you were to reveal these things?

We all hide things whether it's our insecurities, true feelings, our fears or our dreams. I do feel there is some safety in hiding portions of ourselves, as I've too often over-shared only to be hurt by reactions, comments or loss of trust. Yet all relationships of any worth are built on being vulnerable and sharing of our experiences. It's a fine line and I struggle with where the appropriate boundary should be drawn.

I've read that oversharing is a trauma response. When I tell too much information I can look back and see that what I'm doing is testing the person. I want to get ahead of them hurting me so I share something that may seem like a big secret but in truth I don't care about it, just to see their response to it. In some ways it's blowing things up before they begin, which admittedly I do frequently. Looking for how to live my life unashamed, out loud and without care of opinions. Though is that even realistic for anyone, much less me?

I've also read to share your stories first otherwise the other person will share their perception of it and not actually your reality. This resonates as I always try to stay a step ahead to avoid hurt. I let my guard down in the past few years and allowed enough vulnerability to be wounded deeply. I replay what I've said and look to figure out every way my trust might be broken and myself humiliated. It's an emotionally exhausting process as this repeats in my head while I try to live day to day. 

To answer the questions I started with: I'm hiding experiences that I feel I will be judged, mocked or laughed at in some way. There is a haunting fear that the shame would overtake me. My life coach suggested I just start writing but not posting. She said once written it may not hold the power I think it has and I may feel differently. I see I'm working myself up into a frenzy by alluding to secrets but not saying them. I'm truly boring myself as I see I'm saying the same thing over and over.

One of my favorite quotes that calms down my fears of telling my secrets is, "You are a ghost driving a meat coated skeleton made from stardust riding a rock through space. Fear nothing." My days alive are limited. All of ours are. We're all attempting to survive as this planet seems to be spinning out of control. I've never wanted what others want anyway. Be born, marriage, kids, retirement: this does not interest me. A bigger life will require more fearlessness.