Proving your Pain

One of my favorite quotes which I post frequently as well as remind myself of on a regular basis: "Problem stated at its most succinct - Is life too short to be taking shit or is life too short to mind it?" ~ Violet Weingarten, "Intimations of Mortality". 

Everything feels like a trigger these days. Whether it's the news, work, therapy, friends, strangers...life feels like a minefield to carefully walk so as not to explode. It's stressful. Stress triggers a pain response in my body. Most days I smile through it but lately it's excruciating. I don't talk about it because no one knows what to say. Or at worst I feel like I have to prove how bad it is. And you can't actually prove pain.

I was in an accident this past July which totaled my car and left me with multiple injuries. I've been seeing a chiropractor since then. Well my number came up as expected, and though insurance has been great they asked how much longer I'd be needing treatment. I also knew this meant I'd likely have to see another doctor for a second opinion to prove I'm still in pain. My chiropractor said at this point they will undoubtedly deny and I replied, "because I can't prove my pain" and he said, "yes". 

Whether unknowingly out of curiosity, or worse, I have found people either nod their head and say "sorry", only to never bring it up again, or I'm interrogated on my symptoms and if my pain is really as excruciating as I say it is. I would say the same about emotional pain; you can't prove it. Any attempts about talking about what devastated your soul (outside of therapy) usually involves a mini inquisiton as to how long ago this emotional wound happened, what you've done and why in fuck aren't you better yet!? You can't prove your pain.

Though I do sometimes say something when it's agonizing beyond words, I mostly keep all pain to myself. The explaining, the proving, can feel worse than the pain itself. I want to be an open person who shares their life but this feels like a no win situation for me. Who wants to be the whiny chick who is always hurting? Sometimes I would like to say, "I really hurt today", without fearing the replies, the questions, the proving. 

I realize that if someone were to read this and then meet me, they wouldn't know what to say. Show empathy? Might look like you don't really believe. Ignore? Well that's rude. And today I don't have answers. Today my lower back feels like a hot sword is going into it and my left hip is enduring a torturous ache. Today I will also do yoga, pop a THC gummy and get to bed early as these are my only sources of relief. I haven't quit yet. So if you see me you don't need to say anything. Maybe just give me a little extra grace if I'm punchy and aggressive.