My mother is on her 4th husband, and though I like him the most out of all of them, of which my father was one, it doesn't subtract what went on to get to this point. When my mother left my father it was volatile and horrific. My father was a pastor at the time and my mother had an affair with a prisoner from the "prison ministry" she had through the church. He resigned and made sure to let everyone know exactly what she'd done and that he wasn't in any way at fault. I was 15.
My mother's choices in men were questionable at best. I'm being kind to the one who didn't abuse me but the others were monsters. Thankfully, at least to present memory, none physically abused me but the threat was always present. I was told about her second husband, "If an average man hit you it would hurt but if he hits you your head will go through a wall." He was a beast of a man and terrifying. When he talked it sounded like screaming, which he claimed was from hearing loss, but it felt like a way to terrorize. She ran from him repeatedly only to go back and I was livid and couldn't understand. Even after escaping his clutches the bad decisions continued. I would rage as to why she did this and swore on everything that it wouldn't happen to me.
It happened to me.
Life is so interesting in that you may think you've felt, processed and healed from something yet it sneaks back in again. I was recently reminded of my stupidity and choices in men. I'm embarrassed, ashamed and internally screaming "Why the fuck did you keep going back?!?". That's the same thing I screamed at her.
Now I'm not one to ignore my own actions and put on a cute smile. I process, I freak, I cry, I hate myself a lot and I look hard at what got me to where I am now. Through my therapy and research I realized I fell in love with a narcissist. Everything that happened to me was straight out of their playbook. Actually pretty ordinary which bugs me all the more. The typical timeline with a narcissist is the love bombing phase (sometimes called trauma bonding), and once you are quickly hooked as they figure out where you are needy and play it well, you are devalued. Some toss the person aside but others, as with my case, lure you back repeatedly even when you claim you are done and it's over.
I fell so ridiculously hard. I would wake up every day to a "good morning beautiful" text, he claimed to like everything I liked, he said he loved me in 2 weeks. I didn't believe him initially but he kept doing all the things I wanted and felt I lacked in my relationships, so even with my disbelief I was all in. It was the passion I always wanted but felt would never happen. One night during a snowstorm he was driving over and I said to be careful and was it safe enough to come. He said, "I would charge hell to be with you tonight." I fell to the floor sobbing at this. Everything was mostly great yet red flags were flying up all over the place. I pushed them down, didn't tell anyone...least of all myself.
When the devaluation phase came I was slammed and didn't know what to do. My mind kept trying to get back to when it was wonderful. No matter how awful he was to me I'd come back again and again. I suppose some stupid part of me thought that if I got him psychological help then we'd get back to happiness and I'd even be the hero. He didn't want help and those glory days were long over. Yet through fight after fight, break up after break up, I'd go back to him.
Just like her.
Now understanding why someone would go back to hell repeatedly I now feel very sad for what my mother went through. While trying to forgive myself I'm also so ashamed. I've even had friends say, "You should just be completely alone because look at the mistakes that you make." That's what the church people said about my mother. Fuck you...I just wanted acceptance and love like every single one of us do.
He didn't break me though. I may still feel the pain but I've risen above it. I don't know that I will ever get this amazing passionate love that desire, but my head is held high and I'm holding my own.
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