Becoming someone new

This is a difficult post in ways that may not seem apparent immediately. 

I have a work event coming up where this is the 4th year of me being the "Awards Girl", or as I'm affectionately known "Vanna". I stand on stage, smile sweetly and help handing out awards. And each year as this event approaches I'm stressed about it all. Will they ask me again? Should I ask? It leaves me scared and nervous.

So why not just ask? Actually, I think most people are relieved I'm doing it and not them. I was floored last year when multiple people came up to me and asked, "What does your dress look like?". Because I was so sure they'd want someone prettier, younger, thinner...etc. I'm amazed each year that another isn't chosen.

Why is this anything that matters? I've always associated any chick doing awards show stuff as pretty. I was never the pretty girl. My father didn't say I was a princess, never went to a prom and have mostly based my self worth on my humor, creativity and charm. My ex-husband once told me "your looks have gotten better with age". Sort of a compliment. Yet I nodded, smiled and found a way to sneak into a closet to sob. 

He's not wrong though. I look way better in my 50's than I ever have. I struggle, to the point of tears, when I'm complimented. I put so much effort in. (If we're reincarnated then I was totally a drag queen in another life.) Yet with all I do, of course wanting to be seen and told I look good, I cringe when someone says it. My ex-boyfriend used to accuse me of cheating because "all attractive people do that". And right when I almost believed him on the attractive part, we broke up and he made sure to tell me he wasn't attracted to me and went on to list all my flaws. There is so much fear. 

I truly fear I'll say "thank you" and be told they are joking. I fear that with all I've done it still isn't good enough. I fear saying I'm ok with anything about myself because I feel someone will tell me I'm wrong.

If you follow my Facebook you'll see I frequently post about being able to change who you are at any moment. When I teach yoga or meditation I talk about every breath being a new beginning. I love the idea, process and outcome of transformation. I reinvented myself in 2017. I'm not who I was. But oh that physical part...where there is critique and judgment and pain.

I'm striving with everything in me this year to look at things differently. I want to change my reactions and movements in life. I want to not put so much value on looks; my own or anyone's. I want empowerment, strength and contentment with all I've done and who I am. 

I could throw up right now.

It's funny though as people see me as confident. I can fake it so well. Although what typically happens is my need for attention overrides self hatred and I'm the life of the party. Just don't catch me afterward as I won't look like the self-assured person you previously saw.

Day 4 of the new year. It may take blood, sweat and tears to get through all the trauma and pain but I will become someone new. Someone you can't touch with your words. Someone who can no longer be controlled by your opinions.

So confident that I will achieve this that for the first time I'm posting my face.