New Year - New Reactions

"I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me." ~ Anais Nin

I actually love resolutions but instead of framing them as goals to obtain, I look at them as a reset, a time for observation, and a reclaiming of what I lost along the way. This year the weight of time hangs in the air as I not only consider what I want for my life but how much time there is to do it. So with the burden of limited time looming I'm instead focusing on my reactions.

My reactions determine my happiness. I'm carefully observing what triggers me, what hurts me, and where I feel validated. Where am I replaying old stories that are no long relevant? What assumptions do I make about myself when what I need doesn't materialize? And quite possibly could everyone else's reactions not be personal to me?

I was randomly posting on Facebook days ago and found everyone's responses were pissing me off. It felt like I was being purposefully made fun of and jabbed at. After deleting an especially annoying post I looked back at my reaction to it all and saw that I hadn't articulated what I was asking very well and this resulted in comments which felt rude. In looking at my reactions from afar I saw that at least most of the comments were merely people flying through their news feed, likely barely reading what I wrote, and certainly weren't trying to hurt me. Though it didn't feel good I was happy to see the result of controlling my reactions instead of acting impulsively.

One of my favorite people to follow on Instagram is The Holistic Psychologist. This insight hit hard, "Start to observe who you spend time with: how they speak, think, & act. Observe how you feel about yourself & life after being around them." I have noticed there are people in my life who I come away feeling like shit. But how much of this is a reaction to something else? Watching my reactions, even when I'm wrong, and seeing where my feelings aren't facts.

Bessel Van Der Kolk says, "Trauma comes back as a reaction, not a memory." I know I have many old beliefs about who I am, my worth, and what my future holds. I also know they have been simmering in my trauma for decades and my reactions don't always know the difference between a feeling and truth.

I'm slowing down as reactivity is typically quick. I'm taking a breath before speaking. I'm reminding myself that the joy of my future is entirely dependent on me and how I chose to react to what is before me. I will live louder to shut down my own damaged mindset.

New Year - New Reactions