Managing It

I woke up in a good mood. Light week for work being the week between Christmas and New Year's, the holidays were actually decent for me which is rare, and there isn't anything too bad looming in the distance. My pain levels had been increasing for days as the things I use to manage and keep it to a level where I can still function had been taken away with holiday stuff and frankly laziness. I saw as the day wore on that my irritation was heightened. I felt like people were telling me things to purposefully jab at me when they were only talking. I started fighting with people online, and though I joke that it's fun for me (it is), I observed that everything was making me angry and my pain was getting worse.

Deal with the anger or the pain? Are they even separate? I stopped fighting and reached out to friends. One validated my feelings while also confirming that my fighting was only hurting myself. Another gave me just enough comfort that I was able to calm and walk away. I finally got away from social media and went to my yoga mat. As I breathed before doing anything I felt the agony of the pains throughout my body. Though I've been told my condition isn't progressive I can feel the pain is worse. Bessel Van der Kolk's book, "The Body Keeps the Score", talks about how we hold our trauma in our bodies. Yoga theory says we hold our emotions in our bodies. This felt very real as I became full of rage, and my muscles spasmed, and I held back tears.

So much work. I can't imagine most people could fathom the level of work I am constantly doing on myself. It's why when someone tells me I should work on myself that I'll smile and hold back telling them they should work on fucking themselves. I'm exhausted from all the work. I feel like I've been swimming in a turbulent ocean forever, and sometimes get sight of the shore, only to be taken over by a wave. When someone throws out a hurtful cliché, or commentary as to what they feel is wrong with me, it feels like being hit over the head just as you are trying to gasp for air. I will always be a work in progress. I know its only through the work that we make it to the other side. But I'm so very tired.

I did my yoga, breathed hard, and saw a huge correlation between my pain and my anger. They fuel each other and keep me in a state of aggression and suffering. My question is which I should manage first yet I know the answer is both. 

I don't hate my anger as it helped me survive. Had I not gotten livid at what happened to me I would have given up. Being angry gave me drive, it helped me endure, and it got me to this moment. I'm not sure what the pain did for me but I guess it could be said it made me more aware of everything. I don't like either but I accept each has its place. 

How much of this comes down to caring about myself first? Putting my peace above the need to slam someone? Doing what is best for my pain levels in managing my emotions?

I take another breath and try once more.