Reclaiming Autonomy

I watched a Netflix special recently called "Strip Down, Rise Up". The description goes "In an effort to reclaim their bodies and lives, a group of women explores the intersections of movement and meaning in a powerful pole dancing program." Barely 10 minutes in I found I was sobbing. I've watched is 3 times since and haven't been able to pinpoint what tore me up so quickly but watching has brought about more insight with each viewing.

Pre-pandemic I used to take pole dancing lessons. Any man I was dating, or potentially dating, would drool at the thought of getting a private show as their only experience with pole was from strip clubs. It was nothing like that. Far from it. One of the reviews, from a male in fact, said this, "What pole dancing is outside of the male gaze: body positivity, trauma recovery and reclaiming body and soul from toxic gender roles. Life-changing and very powerful." That's it.

When I started pole I had the vain assumption I would pick it up easily. I've been in dance, learn choreography decently fast, hyper flexible, and am strong. I sucked. I was truly bad on every level. But I admired the strength (clearly beyond mine) and the large variety of body types and ages all kicking ass up there. I wanted it. 

Watching this show shook me in ways I wasn't expecting. Women fighting for their right to exist as they would like, seeing them struggle through shame and fear and ultimately overcoming, witnessing true support...it left me crying and asking myself what I could do differently. 

If you look at pole dancing everything about it is about as far from my upbringing as possible: half naked, high heels, strong women, body autonomy, sexual on their own terms. This encapsulates everything I want to be: owning my body, owning my strength, owning my life.

I found this picture of me from pole (which I believe is the only one taken) and realized it's something I don't share. And I realize I don't share because of the shame around all the things I want to own. This is at it's core a trauma reaction. Well in the name of new reactions I'm sharing. I'm owning this as a fuck you to everyone that has silenced me, cut me down, and made me small. I own it all and you can no longer stop me.