Slow Processing

I picked him up around 5:30pm to go to dinner. He was acting annoying, thought he was funny when he was teasing me though I'd asked him to stop, saying the same thing over and over. It's now a year and a half later and I'm just realizing he was wasted. It didn't occur to me that someone would already be drunk before dusk on a Tuesday. So how many other times was he obliterated and I didn't get it? My entire experience is now being looked at through a new lens.

I don't process things immediately and especially when a person does something that doesn't make reasonable sense in my mind. I freeze as my brain tries to compute and piece together insane behavior. In a personality test for work many years ago one statement about me stood out "She doesn't understand why everyone doesn't see the world the way she does.". Yep. I have had friends kindly explain to me in so many situations "this person is lying to you". I know people lie. Of course I've lied. Yet I frequently can't comprehend it when someone is looking me in the eye and being untruthful. 

During a deep discussion with a friend I revealed some horrific things said to me during my life. She said, "I have never in all my life had anyone speak to me that way." "What was your reply?" I never replied. When someone shreds me in some way I go into a mini shock. It starts with shame and feelings of worthlessness and then takes a day or longer before I can fully remember what they said and figure out if it holds any weight.

I hate the freeze. I know it's there as a form of self protection but it feels so weak. I find it wildly interesting that I don't freeze when it comes to friends. Say anything bad to my friend and I go straight to annihilation mode. But not for myself. 

I've had many situations in life where I was gaslit. When you've had repeated instances in gaslighting situations you find you question what you've heard and what you know is true. My current attempt to override this is through writing. I have what I call my "intuition book" where I write what  I believe is happening then go back later to affirm if I was correct. I'm nearly always correct and can also see where I got something wrong and the reason why I didn't see that fully. 

The core issues here are self trust and self worth. When you have enough belief in yourself then others words no longer matter (Although do we really believe this?). Lets at least say when you are grounded in who you are then it makes it harder for people to destroy you.

I may always be a slow processor. Perhaps this is nature's way of balancing my quick wit and charm. (Yes, I'm grasping but stay with me here.) And we know there will always be shitty, lying, asshole people. Taking a deep breath and hoping just maybe I can finally say, "You can't talk to me that way." and not taking way too much time to process it through.