I'm writing the words "putting myself first", cute little meme to go with this idea, but I truly don't have a clue how to do this. I'm great at helping other people. Seeing where others have a need and meeting it is easy for me and it makes me happy. Yet saying my feelings matter, standing up for myself and even doing right for me feels elusive.
Woke up this morning with debilitating sadness. Now I know what's happening as my period is a day late (no, not pregnant) and this means my hormones are off the rails from my PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder). I can logically tell myself that feelings aren't facts and I need to ride this out. Yet it's painful beyond all words. On top of the existential depression and hormonal roller coaster, my body pain levels are debilitating. I need to prioritize myself at this moment.
Though I preach "self care" to friends all the time, I have to admit I don't know what that would look like for me. How would I put myself first in ways I don't already do? Since I live alone, and my child is grown, things like manicures, massage and baths are part of my daily existence. And though mostly recovered from my eating disorder, giving myself food treats isn't the best of ideas. The one thing I don't allow is rest. The thought of losing a day to rest makes me anxious. I need to be productive. Now productivity can look like having fun for me, but not sleep or laying around or even watching TV. And I'm tired. So tired.
A lot of putting myself first is about permission. I'm sure some of this is likely a trauma response to so many years of flat out being told my feelings didn't matter and I had to suck it up. Looking for balance, to leave the past behind and to give myself the space to matter that I do for everyone else.
The sorrow and misery will soon pass. There will be a break from the pain. I will still survive if I stop my incessant need to be "on".
Maybe not for the whole day, but for this moment I can be first.
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