Lost a friend, potentially someone special, as I spoke about my hatred of Trump and his followers. He zoned in hard on my use of the word "hate" and walked out of my life because of it. I looked up the definition of the word "hate", as perhaps I was using it too far out of context. Hate: "to feel intense or passionate dislike". Oh that's all it is? Well I then I hate so very much! The subtext here was of course that I was too much, my feelings were too much, my opinions were too much, and I should tone it down. I don't want to.
I'll summarize what went down. I'd been seeing this guy barely a week and a half. And being who I am I shared a lot (mental note: stop doing that). But my oversharing is really only a way to not share the deeper parts. It makes people feel they know me when they really don't. We started talking politics. I'm vocal so he knows my feelings well on our current situation in America. He even said, "I know you'll speak up. I like that spark about you." Well a week prior we'd met at a bar and he'd said, "A lot of my friends are here and they are Trump supports so please don't do anything." This ticked me off and I said, "I won't start anything but if I hear bullshit I sure as fuck am not smiling sweetly." We went onto other subjects but it later hit me that I didn't think he'd told his friends to shut the fuck up around me because of my beliefs. Telling. So as were talking I went on a bit of a rant about Trump supporters. I said, as I'd told him previously, that I don't believe his friends are "good people" to support such a man. I don't recall what else I said but apparently I threw out the word hate. He slams his beer on the table, stands up and says "I'm out!". I laughed thinking this was a joke. He then goes into a tirade about his wonderful Republican friends (I don't actually care about political parties. 100% of my focus is elimination of Trump.). I sat there stunned. He left and texting began.
In the name of self observation and awareness I'd like to take some vile texts he sent, acknowledge what was said of me, and see what's true:
"You want to hate and call everyone racist, that's your choice." I don't call everyone racist...only the racists! And if you support Trump you are either racist or don't care that he is.
"The fact that you hate tells me all I need to know about you and yes I do know you." I can count on one hand the people I'd say truly know me. It sure as hell isn't some asshole I've known less than 2 weeks. I own my hatred. I've drawn a hard line in the sand on this. Ripping on me for the things I hate does not sway me in the least. There are things to hate in this world.
"You are so two faced. I hate trumpers, they are all racist, THEY CAN ALL DIE." I have zero recollection of saying they can all die. That makes me laugh. But I was a few wines in so if that conversation was recorded, and I said that, I sure won't deny it. I'm an animated person. I make huge statements. And in my loud over the top way of speaking do I say things that are much more extreme than what I really believe? Yeah, all the time. I usually think it's funny but many times no one gets the joke.
"You have to differentiate between political views and who a person is." Nope. I sure don't. Your political views, and the ones you ignore, tell me who you are.
"You talk to any Buddhist that follows the tenets and they will tell you that you are fucked up." Am I Buddhist? I'm sure he's taking that from my being a yogi. No Buddhist would ever tell another person they are fucked up. I'll own that a lot of me is fucked up and part of my journey is working on this daily. I have pondered this a bit as I like to say the over arching statement of my path is "lokah: samasthah: sukhino bhavanthu" ~ May all beings everywhere be happy and free and my the thoughts, words and actions of my own life contribute to that happiness and freedom for all." OK, so how does Trump fit in here? I would say that speaking out to the atrocities he committed, if he ever does his own self reflection, would lead him towards happiness and freedom. I feel the same for his followers.
"You are blinded by your trauma. Good luck with hate. Totally know you and your injured heart." My trauma (most of which he knows none of) does guide my actions for sure. When I see others being traumatized, it does cause me to speak and act. Do I hate what I see happening? Yes. I'll proudly be called a hater for this. The injured heart comment felt like it was supposed to be a cut (not that all of this wasn't put downs). Yes, my heart has been horribly injured and I'm using that hurt to help those still in pain to the other side. You don't know me at all.
"Fake your life and your strength. Pretend to be something you are not." I might be faking some strength in the whole 'fake it till you make it' vibe. Not pretending in the slightest. I'm loudly, sometimes forcefully, transparent about my beliefs and what drives me. And if you knew me at all this would be evident.
I don't feel I'm exposing anyone's secrets here as I haven't given a single detail to say who said these things to me. As one of my favorite authors, Anne Lamott, says, "You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”
So I will justifiably keep on hating the horrors I see happening. I will keep on hating our current administration. I will hate those that claim to be "good" yet turn a blind eye to what is presented before them.
I'm a hater and proud of it.
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