Jumping through hoops

Now that my anti-anxiety medication is being taken away I'm looking at other possibilities to manage my panic attacks. I do yoga daily, meditate, journal, take walks and still struggle to breathe at times. I have at least 30 years of being on and off of antidepressants, antianxiety meds and various other ways they made me a case study. I jump through their hoops, they take it away, smile sweetly and they give it back. I'm so sick of it but I'm at their mercy.

The current consideration is a Ganglion Block which is an injection of local anesthetic to block the sympathetic nerves (fight or flight) on either side of the voice box in the neck. It's said to help both pain and PTSD. But damn...

My therapist tells me I've been in allostatic overload for some time. "The definition of allostatic overload refers to the chronic, cumulative effect of stressful situations in daily life experienced by the individual as taxing or exceeding their coping skills." I don't like the sound of this as it feels weak and I am not weak. But I can't deny the weight of the past 6 months on me. I slept for over 7 hours during the day this week end and still went to bed at my normal time. I'm clearly exhausted on multiple levels. She said when you've experienced complex trauma that your body can go into a state of hypervigilance. I feel like I've been in this state forever.

Beyond the anxiety and panic attacks is the debilitating depression I rarely speak of. I don't talk about it because I refuse to go back on all the drugs they tried on me. So I will my way through it. I'm skilled at not asking for help, not telling anyone and putting on a bigger smile when I'm crumbling. People rarely know how to just listen and I can't endure hearing "ideas" on what I should do. Now don't go and try and put me on a suicidal psyche hold, but the full truth is I've stayed alive for my son. Had he not been born well lets say all bets would be off. And horror of all horrors...he struggles with depression. It's truly my worst nightmare.

So I'll once again do what they are asking of me without any real hope for being helped. Sucking up this life for my son. Not asking for sympathy but it's much more grueling than I let on. Maybe I'll never be truly happy. It's possible some things are too big to get over. Focusing on what worked today, doing what I know brings a miniscule amount of relief, and not looking too far ahead as it can be too much to handle.