Releasing what no longer serves me

In yoga we look to find the balance between effort and ease.  While practicing yoga, and mindfulness, I've come to realize my focus in most things is all about effort. Instead of fully appreciating the moment my mind is racing ahead to survive and avoid pain.  Yet living this way causes more pain.  In my yoga lineage there is a saying, "How you do one thing is how you do everything."  I'm seeing this is true for me.  I power through life with little regard for what my own self-care, protection and comfort. 

I will curl up in a ball on the couch when I'm cold instead of doing the obvious thing and grabbing a blanket.  I'll get a migraine because my ponytail is too tight instead of letting my hair down.  I walk alone in the dark.  I freeze my hands though my gloves are in my pockets.  I'll force my muscles and endure what I don't have to endure rather than taking the time to warm them up.  Faster, harder, stronger and sure don't show weakness. 

I do this with people too.  I'll allow rude things to be said to me to avoid the conflict of confrontation.  I'll let toxic people drain me instead of setting boundaries.  I put everyone else first because I don't know how to say what I need.   I suck it up, stuff it down and try to hide the agony.  I knew I could take the discomfort and it felt easier than facing another's displeasure with me.

Yet in the past year I've been working on releasing what no longer serves me.  Getting rid of items that trigger bad memories.  Walking away from friendships, relationships and family members that make me feel small and worthless.  Noticing when something doesn't feel right and making the adjustments so it's OK for me.  The hardest is taking out old ideas about myself; who I am, who I'm not and what the truth really is.  

Putting myself first is new to me.  I've hurt people, though unintentionally, by doing what is best for me.  At this stage in my life I don't want to force it anymore.  I don't want unnecessary pain so I can remain on another's good side. It's my turn. I want every moment to count, to be what's best for me and to bring joy.  If it doesn't serve, no matter the cost or length of time it's been in my life, it needs to go.  

“There is a story of a woman running away from tigers. She runs and runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. When she comes to the edge of a cliff, she sees some vines there, so she climbs down and holds on to the vines. Looking down, she sees that there are tigers below her as well. She then notices that a mouse is gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries close to her, growing out of a clump of grass. She looks up and she looks down. She looks at the mouse. Then she just takes a strawberry, puts it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly. Tigers above, tigers below. This is actually the predicament that we are always in, in terms of our birth and death. Each moment is just what it is. It might be the only moment of our life; it might be the only strawberry we’ll ever eat. We could get depressed about it, or we could finally appreciate it and delight in the preciousness of every single moment of our life.”
― Pema Chödrön, The Wisdom of No Escape: How to Love Yourself and Your World