Something Amazing

I found this quote I'd forgotten about that was my mantra and focus when I got divorced. "....Okay is not the reason you risk absolutely everything you've got for the smallest chance something absolutely amazing could happen!" I left without a dream or a clue as to what "amazing" would even mean for me. I simply couldn't live another moment trapped in mediocrity and lovelessness. I read it while trying to buy my condo (which my realtor and the closer said was the hardest closing they've ever experienced), I read while sleeping on the couch with a blanket too short to cover my feet because I was starting over with nothing, I read it when flying to Greece alone for the trip I'd always wanted with a partner. Hanging onto the smallest chance something amazing would happen.

Writing this the day after Valentine's day which is a hugely sad and triggering day for me. I'd wanted a wonderful romantic Valentine's my entire life. No boyfriend in Jr High or High school. I watched as the other girls would get sent a rose on Valentine's day and hope, wish, and pray I'd get one but never did. My (ex) husband was the first to ever give me a Valentine's card. The first card, and every card for 24 years, said the same thing "I know I never say it but...". Every card. He'd buy me roses from the gas station that sold a dozen for $9.99. And I'm as happy as anyone for a great deal, but there was zero thought into who I was. He could have spent $5 on pink carnations and that would have shown actual care and thought about me. Even his Facebook posts were about him and not me, showing how he'd bought me roses but nothing about me, his wife. 

When I met my last boyfriend (I struggle to even call him that as it all progressed into such an abusive mess), I was desperate, hopeless, and prime for manipulation. By the time our first and only Valentine's rolled around, I knew who he was but I shoved it all down still clinging to just maybe getting one moment of something amazing. We had a wonderful dinner, beautiful loving card, flowers, presents and the public profession of love on a Facebook post that I'd been dying for saying I had brought him the happiest moments of his life and he loved me more each day. I wiped tears reading it and then I looked at the pictures he posted with it. Alongside adorable pictures of us as a couple he included one of my ass crawling up the stairs drunk and another of me before surgery (that only my closest friends knew about) where I have no makeup, hospital gown, hair net, IV in my arm. The tears changed from elation to hurt. I asked why he'd post those pictures, while being extra careful not to sound mad as I didn't want this moment I'd waited for my whole life to go wrong. He said, "Oh I just quickly grabbed a couple." In the short time we were together we had a massive amount of pictures of us, we dominated the Facebook feed, this was a purposeful cutdown. I smiled and stayed silent as I couldn't accept that this wasn't real.

My 5th ketamine session is tomorrow. One of the biggest things I've noticed is my thoughts are different. The sadness, hurt, and trauma aren't gone but they are distant. I can say, "That was awful and hurt me to my core." without spiraling down the rabbit hole. I saw all the happy couples posting yesterday, and though my mind said "you'll never get that", it didn't make me want to drive into a semi.

Though all signs show my existence will be to die alone, my life is amazing. I have an unbelievable amount of people in my life that love me and have given and shown up for me in ways I could never have fathomed possible. I have pushed through every fear, and self hatred, to do things my little self would never have dared to dream. (I didn't even allow the dream....I just kept going.) For some reason, and I do believe there is a reason, I'm still alive. This is a miracle as I was quite literally hanging from the edge and not telling myself to hold on, but to end it. But maybe, just maybe something amazing will happen.