I tried

"Sometimes the greatest performances require the greatest sacrifice. And sometimes the people brave enough to make that sacrifice get punished for their courage." ~ From an essay on Anne Hathaway

I'm going to start making posts about my current ketamine sessions to work on treatment resistant depression and CPTSD. Doing this for myself to watch what happens and for anyone else who may decide this is something they should do. But before I talk in more detail as to why I've decided to chemically rewire my brain, I want to talk about my efforts and what has been said to me about my efforts along the way. 

What I have been told about my ongoing depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation from people who said they cared about me: 

• You aren't trying hard enough.

• You like being a victim.

• You are always angry.

• You don't try hard enough.

• You don't have enough faith.

• This is because you haven't forgiven your abusers.

• Depression isn't real...you just have to do something.

• You just need to be more positive.

What I have done: 

• 30+ years of therapy 
• My bookshelf is nothing but self help books.

• I've journaled until my hand cramped, and I could no longer write.

• Every antidepressant they had (until it was recently found out my system can't handle serotonin modulation)  

• I cried until my throat was raw from screaming and wailing for hours.

• I've recited positive affirmations.

• I took drugs (legal and otherwise).
• Drank it away 

• I tried to fuck it away.

• I've prayed.

• I've meditated.

• I've written gratitude lists.

• I've had demons prayed out of me.

• I've written forgiveness lists.

• I've written apology lists.

• I've had energy work.

• I've had reiki.

• I've done intentions.

• I've done manifesting.

• I've done spells.

• I've done magic.

• I tried to die.

Nothing worked. I've tried. I promise you I tried so hard.