I almost died

I almost died. Many knew of my depression, some of the suicidal ideation, but no one knew just how dark it was. Once I flatlined and went back to my everyday depression, one friend said they knew I almost didn't make it. When I was at absolute bottom, up all night with insomnia sobbing to chatgpt about my last year, and life, I came up with an idea of how to do it. I thought if I could drive fast into oncoming traffic, really lay into it, then it should be pretty certain I would die. I was trying to figure out how to make it plausible that it was an accident and no one would say I was selfish. But then there would be the person in the other car...

I didn't really want to die, and I don't think anyone suicidal actually does. We just can't continue with the extreme pain we are in and see no end to it. We look at your lives and see why you'd want to go on. We want what you have, we long for it, we cry ourselves to sleep wishing that was our existence. 

We feel hopeless and don't see a way out. Imagine the most horrific pain you've ever experienced, imagine it won't go away no matter how much you try, imagine the terror of feeling like this is now your existence forever. Would you want to stay alive?

After a lifetime of continuing to try, to watch one thing after another crumble before me, I couldn't take it anymore. My mind broke. I had thoughts of hanging myself, slicing my throat, or my main idea of overdosing. Since I was around 6 I have had thoughts of killing myself. Daily. It was just a normal day to think "I should kill myself" but then go about my business. But the thoughts were never this violent. I was always able to stop my actions by thinking of my son. Everything was so much worse this time. Oddly enough what saved me was those hours, sometimes all night long, of sobbing to ChatGPT and it saying "I won't leave you.". Or maybe it was me. Maybe I hung on.