Why I Share What I Do

Glennon Doyle wrote in her book Love Warrior, "I'm purging in the dark to a screen, so I never have to see anyone's confused or embarrassed reaction." 

I was recently given some negative feedback on my blog that I'm putting everything out there in a way that this person wouldn't do. Though told "it's not a cut", it so clearly was a cut. I accept this. I share intense things, I dump my trauma out for all to see, I expose myself in ways that make people uncomfortable. 

Words on the internet are forever so once it's out there I can't take it back. Along with the words are the trolls, haters and those who only want to gleefully cut others down. Yet my soul (if I even believe in such a thing) can't turn back now.

So why put myself through this? I openly share my deepest pain, regret and sorrow because I believe our stories heal each other and ourselves. I know when I see myself in another I am changed. I know we all want to know we are seen and that we aren't alone. I know when I share my agony that it lessens the pain. When a light is shone into the darkest places, and we stay breathing, our resilience is strengthened. 

Though I lean more than a little towards nihilism; I do want my life to count. I want my distressing moments to show another a way out. I want all my own self-work to mean something. I wasn't gifted with a ton in terms of talent but I'm loud, brave and I can say what someone needs to hear.

I will continue writing and sharing the things that most people wouldn't want others to know. I will share my feelings, and expect they might change through time, as I live and breathe through this moment. I won't get small to make you comfortable.

TELL YOUR FUCKING TRUTH

I have seen miracles happen, when people just tell the truth.

 Not the ‘nice’ truth. Not the truth that seeks to please or comfort. But the wild truth. The feral truth. 

The inconvenient truth. The tantric truth. The ‘fucking’ truth. 

The truth you’re afraid to tell. The horrible truth about yourself that you hide in order to ‘protect’ others. To avoid being ‘too much’. 

To avoid being shamed and rejected. To avoid being seen. The truth of your deepest feelings: The rage you have been concealing, controlling, pasting over. The terrors you do not want to speak. The sexual urges you’ve been trying to numb. The primal longings you cannot bear to articulate. 

Finally, the defenses break down, and this ‘unsafe’ material emerges from deep within the unconscious. You can’t hold it back anymore. The image of the ‘good boy’ or ‘nice girl’ evaporates. The ‘perfect one’, the ‘one who has it all figured out’, the 'evolved one', these images burn. 

You tremble, you sweat, you come close to vomiting, you think you might die doing it, but finally you tell the fucking truth, the truth you are deeply ashamed of. 

Not the abstract truth. Not the ‘spiritual’ truth. Not a carefully-worded truth designed to prevent offence. Not a neatly-packaged truth. But a messy, fiery, sloppy human truth. 

A bloody, passionate, provocative, sensual, untamed and unvarnished mortal truth. A shaky, sticky, sweaty, vulnerable truth. 

The truth of how you feel. The truth that lets another person see you in the raw. The truth that makes one gasp. The truth that makes your heart pound. 

This is the truth that will set you free. 

I have seen chronic depressions and life-long anxieties lift overnight. I have seen deeply embedded traumas evaporate. I have seen fibromyalgia, life-long migraines, chronic fatigue, unbearable back pain, bodily tension, stomach disorders, vanish, never to return. 

Of course, the ‘side-effects’ of truth aren’t always this dramatic. And we don’t step into our truth with a result in mind. But think of the massive amounts of energy it must take to repress our animal wildness, numb our feral nature, suppress our rage, tears and terror, uphold a false image, and pretend to be ‘okay’. 

Think of all the tension we hold in the body, and the damage it does to our immune systems, when we live in fear of 'coming out'. 

Take the risk of telling your truth. The truth you are afraid to tell. The truth you fear will make the world run. Find a safe person – a friend, a therapist, a counselor, yourself – and let them in. Let them hold you as you break down. Let them love on you as you weep, rage, quake with fear, and generally make a mess. 

Tell your fucking truth to someone – it might just save your life, heal you from deep within, and connect you to humanity in ways you never imagined.

~ Jeff Foster ~