He was human

I don't hide that I'm glad my father is dead. I know that's harsh for many to hear as they had a lifetime of being cared for and adored but that wasn't my experience. Today is his birthday. I'm sure one of my brothers is composing some post to honor him, which I will completely ignore. Even when he tried to love me you could tell it was difficult for him. He told me to my face "You are my least favorite." Well gee...then I'm not even a favorite at all. All the "Daddy Issues" snarky cuts and comments apply here. He messed me up.

This isn't about his backstory but I do need to acknowledge how horribly abused he was as a child. He felt by not beating us in the front yard with other kids laughing (this happened to him) that he'd broken the cycle. Instead of going to therapy and dealing with his trauma he became a pastor. I'd say the jokes write themselves from here but that's a pretty painful statement.

Recently I was shuffling my Spotify and one of my favorite songs came on, "Don't fall in love with a dreamer". A memory came back that I'd long forgotten where my father said how much he loved that song. I blew it off in the moment out of not caring but now so many years later it struck me as an odd song for him to like. The song is about two lovers last night together knowing they will say goodbye forever in the morning. My father was hard core Baptist and I can't fathom this had ever been his experience, yet it hit him hard. Another memory sprung up of him telling he loved the song "Memory". 

Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun...

I sensed sadness and regret from him when he'd told of loving these songs. And if I dig deep I could say he always had a melancholy sadness. I do know he wanted to love me. What hurts the most was it was obligatory love and not natural. He believed in truth at all costs so this is why he had no issue telling me I didn't measure up. How much of his own self hatred was projected onto me? Why me? I hurt him too. After a 3 hour knock down fight at a restaurant where I sobbed for him to hear me and care about me, I left saying, "I love you Dad but I don't like you." He never let that go and carried it to his grave.

My father was a human trying to get by on this planet and he made statements that destroyed me. He was a human. Only human. If I allow him grace then how much more grace should I allow myself?

He died at 73 years old of Alzheimer's. His older sister died 2 months later of this. His younger sister now has it. My chances don't look good. I have relationships that need reconciliation. I have some people that I never want to see again. So this gives me roughly 21 years give or take to make it right.