Don't Let Me Get Me

 I was at an amazing Drag Brunch today, Sunday things, and the song "Don't let me get me" came on from Pink. I love Pink's daring, don't give a single fuck attitude. I've joked for years that she's who I want to be when I grow up. While being a huge fan I'd forgotten this song. and though I was drunk on mimosas, having a blast with friends dancing in the summer sun, I also welled up with tears as I sang along with the lyrics.

"Everyday I fight a war against the mirror

I can't take the person starin' back at me

I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else"

I'm at this space in life where the self deprecating thoughts are less, I feel well grounded in who I am, and though not thrilled, I mostly accept it. 

"Everyday I fight a war against the mirror..."

Compliments always shock me a little. Though I work hard to take care of myself I'm always taken aback when I get what appears to be a sincerity. My go to response is to detail to them how they are wrong. Yet I've been working hard at simply saying "thank you". It's interesting as the moment trails away to other conversation that I find I feel anxious at acknowledging and thanking them for the compliment, as it goes so far against my usual response. I'm trying. Trying something new. 

"I'm a hazard to myself"

For most of us that fear compliments it's due to a history of someone taking those kind and awesome words and instead cutting you down. And instead of understanding it was their own projection to hurt you, you take them on, hold them tight, and believe whatever negative vile was thrown on you. When I receive a compliment my first thought is "What do you want?" "Why are you saying this?" "Are you making fun of me?". While taking the smallest of steps, I'm slowly realizing their words are heartfelt, and figuring out how to take it in.

"I wanna be somebody else"

Do I really want to be somebody else? For the first time in my life I'll say I don't. Not to say I wouldn't change a ton of things; soften my big ass mouth, give me more talent in pretty much everything, I'm sure I could critique to all hell every body part, but in most ways I'm OK.

I'm scared to be OK. You see if you say you fully accept yourself it now challenges others to do the same, and very often they let out their own inner hate onto you. So I have to ask myself what exactly do I think would happen if I fully leaned into self acceptance? What could I achieve if I didn't care about anyone's opinions?! What could you do in your own life?

I recently posted about my goal and desire to do stand up again. I thought I'd decently limited the post reach and was astounded at how many people were supportive. I keep getting more likes and loves and think "Really?!". This is immediately followed by fears of what will happen if I let everyone down...what if they believe in me and I crumble before their eyes? How would I face them if I'm not good enough?

I find when my mind is able to come into acceptance that thoughts of my father resurface. We were polar opposites. Most of my core qualities he would hate...especially since I was female. We tried to offer love to each other for the sake of being a parent and a child, but we didn't like each other. He'd hate me now! I find this both hysterical and heartbreaking. I'm glad he's dead. Harsh and horrifying words to speak about a parent but it's my truth. 

While I'll never say "everything happens for a reason" (seriously...I'll cut the next bitch that says that to me), I do believe my life has purpose. I love to compliment others and I'm fully sincere in whatever I say. If I see you fight me on it (as I do to myself) I will push back so hard until I know you believe what I'm saying. I don't want anyone to experience what's happened to me or feel what I've felt. 

I don't believe in an after-life and have accepted I'm flying on this rock through space to my death...and I want it to matter. And to fully matter, to make the most impact, to help the most beings, to live all the way...I have to not let me get me.