Unsteady

With temperatures hotter than even this Southerner can take, I spent the day without a plan. Now I know most people love nothing more than to have an entire day with no obligations. Being unscheduled messes with my mind as I start fearing I've missed something, am wasting time, or becoming overwhelmed with being alone. After going out for a few hours for a writing group, wasting a ridiculous amount of time online shopping, making a note to read a book and then not doing it, I felt a strong urge to do something I'd avoided for some time. Some time as in years. 

When I first bought my place I also bought a little patio set. It was black with red cushions and I loved it. I needed to call where I bought it about an unrelated problem with something else and they asked if there was anything else they could do for me. I offhandedly mentioned that the table on my patio set was unsteady and that I was using a piece of cardboard, "grandpa style", to even it out. I went onto say it was likely my error though I'd tried really hard and no big deal. She said they would send me out a new set with their compliments and to keep the old one. What luck! The new set arrived and knowing how long it took me to get the previous set together I put the box in storage and vowed to put everything together the following year. It didn't happen. Added the task to one of my many lists the following Spring, and due to the circumstances at the time I was too overwhelmed to consider it. Finally the Summer of 2020 arrives, pandemic, stay home, perfect time to accomplish all you've put off. So I put together one chair and once again called it quits. 

As I was shopping today I found myself looking at patio sets and longing for a fully assembled one to magically land on my balcony. I even added one to my cart before reminding myself this would have to be put together also. So after a few glasses of wine and some long sighs I lugged the remaining chair and table out of storage. Putting on a movie to add to some distraction I found myself watching a special where people are going back or forward in time to avoid death, to stop another's death or to die. There were multiple episodes, powerful, emotional and oh so human. Each character had regret and I found myself crying. It should be noted that I rarely if ever cry in movies. But these were hitting me in a place I don't acknowledge. My ex-boyfriend liked to say, "You're messy but you know where everything is." One of those supposed compliments which is really a side cut. I'm hyper organized in what appears to be a chaotic way. Though they were in a mish mash basket of odds and ends, I knew where every screw was. My fingers were hurting from turning the screws as I told myself that I had to complete this. It was no longer about that patio set. My immobility had nothing to do with putting anything together and everything to do with remorse. Shame was again rearing it's ugly head saying, "Anyone else would have had this done immediately. Everyone else would. You are the only one." Of course this isn't true but hard core shame doesn't give a shit about facts. My nails were chipping, I wiped hot tears to see, and I did it. 

Now every piece I've put together, truly anything I've put together, is always unsteady. That company really didn't need to give me a replacement as it's clear I'm the issue here. I look at my ticky tacky balcony that I've put together and I see myself. You can look at each piece and see my journey; some are faded and have seen better days, others look quite nice if you don't get up close and see how it's a wobbly mess. But each piece is together, not perfect, but even in it's unsteadiness it's holding it's own. These pieces will host friends laughing and my cat attempting to jump up and do a tight rope walk on the rails. This set has held me as I stared out at the trees in fear. I didn't get it together in a timely manner but it's together, I'm together, and though unsteady we'll do what needs to be done.