Not OK but surviving

Rather than respond to individual messages I thought I'd simply write a post as it's actually easier for me in some respects. First, thank you all for your kind words of support. To say it means a lot to me doesn't sufficiently cover my depth of gratitude. Again, thank you. So am I OK? No, I'm not. Not in the slightest. I may have told you I was OK, or that I'll live, or one of my usual responses but the full truth is I'm not OK right now.

Yet in the name of asking for help; what do I even need? I don't want to talk about it. I've talked about this for over 25 years of therapy, thought I was at the other side at least with this portion, and now it's as if the old fires are burning before my eyes. I nearly took the post down as I sat on my couch sobbing, but I reminded myself that posts such as these were what I wanted. I want a life of transparency, honesty and to say the words that others just can't say. I see the views increasing every hour so I take deep breaths and assure myself that having people know my secrets won't kill me.

I'm crying tears that were never shed at that time. Other than breaking down at the height of the most horrifying moments I didn't cry. I didn't tell my friends what was happening, I held in all the pain and I somehow kept going.

My dear friend, who has lived through some serious hell herself, described it well:

Darling, your fear is present, palpable and completely valid. Trauma alters the way the brain physically processes neurological response, making a current situation feel exactly like a past one. Same sympathetic nervous system response. Same emotional reaction. Same panic. What you are experiencing is fucking real.

The people in your family are also responding in the only way they know to cope: avoid. Your trauma piques their own fears.

I can tell you I'm safe; though my body isn't feeling this. No one in my family has reached out to me though this was expected. I have yoga later, maybe a hot bath, and likely too much wine. Yes, I'm numbing myself and I don't fucking care. I need my crutches right now until I can feel steady again.