Sitting with the Feelings

Death is interesting in that we have all these rituals, things to say, and ways we're expected to process our grief. Yet nothing is said about grieving someone you hated. How do you properly let go of someone who caused a shit ton of suffering? How do you hear people talking wonderfully about this person who was an evil witch to you? 

My stepmother died on May 7th. I found out today because my brother randomly Googled her and found her obituary. She was "technically" my step mother for 33 years but she abandoned all of us once my father died. Amazingly I was listed on the obituary, as well as my brothers, but our kids weren't listed as grandchildren. No tears. Not one. But I'm struggling with what I should be feeling right now, as well as pushing down some serious rage.

The details of my relationship with my step mother are obviously messy, and at this moment I don't feel like reliving the memories. But as memories like to do....they come when we don't want them. I wanted to have fun tonight and sure didn't want to "sit with my feelings".  What's coming up most are rejection and abandonment. These are the things that tend to haunt most of my bad memories. Anger is so difficult when there is nowhere to project it. Though as we know anger is usually covering up for something much sadder and deeper. 

I'm sick of being the little sad girl. Although I started this blog as my own self processing, that I'm also sharing in hopes someone else needs to see it; I look through my posts and don't see much hope. It's there a little as a random sentence or two shines some light, but mostly digging deep into the pain. 

I'll sit with this a few more moments.