Examining My Life

I woke up today feeling uneasy with no real reason as to why I had this feeling. Certainly more than enough happening in our country to cause upset, but this felt deeper. I thought back to yesterday and realized I'd wasted the entire day away. I did a few errands but otherwise nothing was accomplished. Time, and how time is used, are big deals to me. The older I get, and perhaps there is fear here, the more I'm aware of how little of my time is left and I want it to count. Yesterday I felt lazy and couldn't find the energy for even the smallest of tasks. From a balanced perspective you could say my body needed the rest so I can go back to fighting the good fight another day. Yet my anxiety is screaming and hugely disappointed in me.

I spent a lot of time thinking yesterday. I stared outside at the trees, sat on my porch looking at the clouds going by, looking back over this past year. I read journal entries and noted how little I'd written. I looked back at the calendar on my phone to remember events, what happened and how I felt at those moments....and how I feel now. I pondered what was the truth of the last 12 months and what was created in my head from my own insecurity and longing. 

Though I hate the wasted time, perhaps my mind (soul?) needed the stillness. My body was immobile for a reason and instead of scolding myself, I should honor that need. I fell down this past year. Fell hard. I'm now picking myself back up, observing what happened, and seeing what needs to be done so it doesn't happen again.

I used to spend a lot of time raging at myself for a fall. I'd punish myself through thoughts and words at what I saw as stupidity and carelessness. Oh lets be honest....I still do this. I do this but I'm better, I catch myself, I ask myself if my self deprecating talk is bringing me happiness. Is any of this helping my life, my actions or my future? 

I examine my life all the time. My friend said, "You examine your life like someone trying to find a needle in a haystack." Well said...I look, and look, and look and never find what I'm looking for. What am I looking for? I'm looking for delight, contentment, safety, euphoria, peace of mind and pleasure. I'm looking at why I do what I do, why I think what I think and ways I can do it all differently. I'm looking at the reasons I fall, but also acknowledging there was a lot of joy and happiness while falling (which is of course reasons for not stopping the fall).

As I always like to look at the other side...my self examination can go too far. It can go from observation and understanding to ridicule and self hatred. I can tumble down the rabbit hole of "Why? Why? WHY!?!?" and then instead of learning, all effort turns to crawling out of the hole. I sometimes envy those oblivious people that never examine a thing, as never looking deeply at any of your actions probably makes for a much more serene life. But that's not who I am...I need to ask these questions.

So I stand at the edge of the rabbit hole, trying not to fall in, while being honest with myself. I should forgive myself. I should give myself the space and grace I give to others. I should hold my head high and own it all. I'm not there yet but I refuse to go backwards.