Intimacy has never come easily for me. And maybe it doesn't for anyone, as it takes time, trust and another person to hold it all with you. I'll start with saying it wasn't taught to me, wasn't anything I witnessed and to this day I'm still wrapping my head around what it means. Looking at it's definition it's basic meaning is closeness or familiarity. So when bonds are broken early on you're starting off emotionally handicapped. Though I'm big on performative vulnerability, I hold my secrets pretty tight. I've had too many times I've shared a deep insecurity, a fear, a need only to have it later told to others, even mocked and laughed at. So while I'm spilling the Raw Bleach all over the place I'm actually much more private than you realize.
Yet I believe healing is on the other side of this. I believe real intimacy is where we are healed. The trick is to find the person that can take it, hear it and ensure you are safe. So tricky.
Though when I overshare how much of that is in hopes of a quick intimacy that hasn't actually been achieved? How much is a test to see how much I should trust? Or a test to see if the person can even handle what I've said? Avoiding emotional intimacy can be a sign of fear of abandonment. Well now we're getting somewhere!
You don't have to go too deep into my Daddy issues of a childhood to see how much I fear abandonment. Being abandoned can happen in so many ways; distant or neglectful parents, loss of friends, relationships ending. And what happens to those of us that have experienced all of these...repeatedly?
I'm feeling pretty fake at the moment when I think of my blog's name: Raw Bleach - I'm not toning it down!, written with the entire baseline being that I'm fully exposed and laying it out there, yet as I'm writing this I don't want to say a word more. I don't feel protected or that I'm in control. Where I normally write these, 1 draft, stream of consciousness; right now I'm hyper aware of audience. It seems I've just described how I feel about intimacy.
This may be the longest I've taken to write a post as I'm sitting here with absolutely nothing to say. I don't have some cute little tie it up with a bow way to end this. Though I feel we are wired as humans to want intimacy, and need it to function as a healthy adult, it feels rather elusive to me right now. I feel like I've labored up this mountain one too many times, and instead of reaching a peak, fell over the edge. Or got pushed.
Maybe in time though not holding out any serious hope as that's too painful to want. I'm also a bit of an open wound right now also so triage is the first step; understanding what got me here before figuring out where to go next.
How shattered do you have to be before you're irreparable?
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