A blog post a day for 30 days - Day 30 - Acceptance for Today

A lot can happen in 30 days. I started this writing journey talking about my resilience and I think it's also a good way to end it. As I began my writing I'd gone through an incredibly traumatic break up, was stuck in my home alone during a pandemic, and digging deep to find my inner strength and power. At the end of these 30 days (well 30 posts...I had many days I was immobile and unable to form the words) all these things are still true along with my city (and country) in immeasurable pain and suffering.  It's a good and harsh reminder that your world can change in an instant.

So what is resilience? 'Able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions.' I'm not sure this is entirely true for me. I can withstand almost anything. I'll lock my jaw, plow forward and come out looking stronger than ever. But in truth, I don't think the recover quickly part is honest. I hold onto pain, ruminate over it, and internalize it. When horrible words are said to me they knock me out, instead of understanding that it's really a reflection of the ugliness and pain of the person who said them. I can logically say I know it's not true, and who fucking cares if it is true, but down deep I'm in agony.

I feel like all my posts make me ponder how to get to the other side? How do I find safety, hope and happiness? What will it take to believe the wonderful things said to me and live my life in full knowledge that they are true? 

I'm sure I used this as an example in a previous post, but since it's been with me for a good 35 years it bears repeating. What I considered my life theme song was "What about me?" by Moving Pictures. I was talking to a friend this morning and we both talked about having hope and faith for others, yet feeling it's unobtainable for us. Why not me? What about me? "I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot, but sometimes I wish for more than I've got...What about me? It isn't fair. I've had enough now I want my share." This feels so self-serving and whiny in light of current events...and it is. Yet the painful feelings remain even as I try to shove them down.

Yet I do know the answer to the other side I so desperately long for and it's acceptance. "Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past." All the "WHY ME!?!" won't change what happened. It happened.  Accept it. I made bad choices but also was traumatized repeatedly. Life doesn't hand out the suffering evenly. And how many of these choices were a result of not dealing with the trauma? Many. Maybe all. What gets in the way of acceptance for me is comparison and jealousy. Many times I'll force myself to like Facebook posts where I'm actually burning up with jealousy. Everyone deserves happiness, and these people experiencing and celebrating they joy didn't cause my pain, and they sure deserve acknowledgement too. I suppose in the back of my head I'm hoping that if I can be happy for someone else that maybe someday that good karma will come back to me. 

Today I accept that I can't change the past. Today I accept that I have many wonderful things in my life to be grateful for. Today I accept that I do have resilience. Today I accept that I am strong, powerful and sometimes pretty fucking awesome. Today I accept. 

Tomorrow I may revert back to a shriveled mess of self loathing and hatred. But today I will sit calmly in acceptance, breathe and know I'm enough.