A Big Hard Birthday

I have a difficult birthday coming up in four days.  I'm turning 50.  Yes, it's a time for celebration, and my friends have gone over the top with making sure I feel loved, cared for and not alone.  Yet that number.  That fucking number.  When I hit other age milestones I didn't care that much.  At 30 my son was still a baby and I was so caught up in him that I have no memory of that birthday at all.  40 was a little daunting, and I didn't appreciate my age being written on my calf in marker as I did a triathlon the next day.  Though turning 50 isn't what it's used to be, it clearly signifies your youth is over.

I'm scared to say this, as I've spent a lifetime cutting myself down to beat you to the punch, but I look the best I've ever looked in my life.  I can actually look at some pictures and not cringe and cry as I would before.  I went to a check up with my doctor and she kept looking back at her computer screen, then to me, and back at the screen before she laughed a little.  I said, "Something wrong?".  She said, "No, not at all.  I just have to keep reminding myself you're not in your 30's.  I'm getting notices of all the baselines checks and tests we should be doing for you turning 50 soon and yet there is nothing about you that presents this way.  You are the youngest 49 year old I've ever treated."  How can I look younger but not look like I'm trying to look younger is my daily battle.

We don't get much of a break as women in this area.  It feels like we're not allowed to talk about the reality of what we're facing as it comes back as something to be made fun of, or worse yet something to be used against us.  Either you've let yourself go or if you present as too sexy then you're a cougar on the prowl.  I'm none of these things.  I walk a line between feeling powerful, owning my strength and being proud of my wisdom that age has given me, while on the other side there is shame, fear and regrets that I push aside as they are too painful and nothing I'm able to change.  I go back and forth between insecurity "Do I look OK?  Do I look old? Am I enough?" and "Fuck your opinions".  It's a tiring way to live.

I love pivotal moments.  I love rituals to celebrate, to cleanse and to renew.  So I am looking at the calendar on the last days of my 40's and asking myself, "What is the life you want?  You are closer to death than ever.  You can no longer procrastinate.  All the choice is yours....what do you want?"   First, and I've said this since my divorce, is that I want happiness.  And with the exception of shoes and make up (mind your business...you have something too), I don't care at all about things. I want experiences.  I want to eat well as I laugh with friends.  I want to see amazing sunrises all over the world.  I want to be honest.  Brutally honest.  I want to say, "No".  I want my pain to mean something.  I want to have the bravery to share my most horrific experiences that I survived so someone else feels hope.  I want to release the opinions of others.  I want to make sure those around me know I love them.  

As with most of my blog posts, I don't have a special conclusion here, and I'm OK with that.  Most of life doesn't have perfect answers.  We're all broken, damaged and kicking and clawing our way to our next happy moment.  You're allowed to make mistakes.  Life is full of bad choices.  You're also allowed your own redemption and your own ways to find joy.  It will be over soon....Lets go be happy.