I'm so angry

In the physical practice of yoga we draw our intentions inward, we observe and notice what's happening with our breath, our bodies, our feelings and our minds.  Oh did you think it was just a hip way to stretch?  Halfway through a class tonight I realized I was saying repeatedly "I'm so angry."  Upon further thought I also realized I'd been saying it for days.  As class progressed I noticed "I'm so angry." had turned to "I'm so sad."  What was I angry about?  What was I sad about?  I'd had recent disappointments, stressful moments, really basic life but this felt far deeper. 

There was a Celebrity Sober House {you can stop judging me right now} episode with Dr. Drew years ago which had a scene that has haunted me for years.  Dr. Drew asked this man what he wanted.  The man began to wail and sob saying he wanted a father that loved him, cared for him and was there for him.  Dr. Drew bluntly but with compassion said, "You don't get that."  You don't get that.  I've rolled back to that statement again and again when all I didn't "get" is brought back to the surface for me.  I'm grateful.  I do know I'm privileged on many levels and have a lot.  But oh the ache when you don't get something that you perceived everyone else as receiving.

I'm finding I can no longer stuff down the past trauma.  I did it all; self-help books, writing, groups, therapy, drugs, praying, begging, pleading, numbing.  But now it's coming out and in ways I hate most.  I don't like others to know I'm in pain.  I don't like for myself to know it.  I'd like to think I can lock jaw through most of life but apparently triggered memories don't give a fuck as to what I want. I had a moment recently where when a body sensation was accidentally set off, I burst into tears.  I didn't want the person I was with to see me cry, I didn't want to talk about why I was crying, so I lied through the sobs saying I was perfectly fine. 

I don't like talking about my past.  I don't like when someone knows too much about me.  I don't like to be truly seen.  Vulnerability feels like torture.  Sharing has been used against me.  Telling too much gives people ammunition, or worse yet they can't take what they've been told and walk away.  Through truly the worst response of all is no response.  No response means you don't matter, you don't exist, it doesn't matter what happened...you don't get that. 

So I'm seeing that all my efforts to go back to smiling, telling inappropriate jokes and not feeling has fallen apart.  Because I'm so angry.  I'm so sad.