Oversharing to avoid vulnerability

My therapist recommended I join a group that would be put on at the clinic for women with intimacy issues.  I was annoyed, fought her a bit, but eventually said I'd give it a try.  She said it would be good for me since I avoid being vulnerable.  I was incredulous and left shaking my head.  I called my best friend and said, "Can you believe this bullshit!?!  How do I avoid intimacy and vulnerability?!  I overshare everything!!"  She said, in her factual and nonchalant way, "We all know you overshare to hide what you really don't want to say.  And we still love you."  I went immobile, heart beating out of my chest and jaw tightened.  Finally able to speak, "How can everyone know this!?"  There was a near audible smile "Your wall doesn't hide what you think it does.  We still love you."  

Was she right?  I couldn't deny that her words had me in a panic.  Yes, I hid a lot but in my defense it was after a lifetime of people not being able to handle what I shared.  There are parts of my past too intense for many.  One too many times I let someone know a small snippet of an experience I had and I would be shut down.  Or worse yet the look on their face let me know my story was too much, and this must mean I'm too much.  Letting others in on the dark horrific parts became too much of a risk.

So I created a persona as someone who was loud, funny and would tell graphic details of things most people would keep quiet about.  Yet the things I told, even intensely personal, meant nothing to me.  I rather enjoyed watching their wide-eyed gasps.  Though the simplest of questions could send me into a spiral.  Where did you grow up?  What high school did you go to?  What is your favorite holiday?  Innocuous, easy, getting to know you questions that I dread.  I don't want to have to explain.  I don't want to talk about it.  Yet I'm a terribly shitty liar with facial expressions that always tell the truth.  

I find myself at this new place in life where I'm exhausted from all the hiding.  Yet my protector self (therapy talk) does everything possible to avoid being hurt again.  I'm walking a tightrope between living out loud and perceived safety.  Do you think I trust you?  I probably don't.  And that's a reflection of my trauma and not you.

Yet I choose today to trust.  I choose today to believe that sharing our stories heals us and others.  I choose today to share my truth and fuck you if you can't handle it.

Raw Bleach