Living in the Tension - Part II

I first heard the phrase "living in the tension" maybe 9 or 10 years ago. The timeframe is irrelevant but it had a profound effect on me as I see with many things in life, possibly most, there is a tension of having two things both be true, and these things can be polar opposites. I can think of few areas in my life where I don't live in the tension of good and bad, happy and sad, or simply the grey of life.

A friend messaged me this week to say her divorce was final and she was both relieved and somber. I understood that feeling well as when my divorce was ultimately finalized I felt like I was in the middle of a teeter totter and could fall to either side with either joy or grief. It was both. I opened my divorce decree during the solar eclipse in August of 2017. As I read the words I stopped breathing then composed myself and was reminded that this was my choice and I was getting what I wanted. A friend eloquently said, "it was dark for a moment but then the light shone again". There was elation that I could now move on but at the same time the sadness of the loss as you don't put in multiple decades trying to make something work and then skip happily away. I had to live in the tension.

Tomorrow is Good Friday, and though I no longer ascribe to Christian beliefs, I love the imagery of death and resurrection. When I released a toxic person from my life last year, someone I loved but whose presence was hurting me, it was also days before Good Friday. I wrote in my daily journal "the death of this relationship....be thankful for the good and release the rest". Even a year later my feelings are conflicted and in opposition. I never want him in my life again as he said some of the cruelest words ever said to me to try and destroy me, but there were these instances of delight that I want to hold onto. I live in the tension.

There is likely no greater tension of feelings for me than with my parents. Did they really do the best they could? No, they could have been less selfish and done better. Did they love me? They loved me in a twisted way that hurt more than cared. Yet for most of us no matter how horrible the damage caused, you still care about your parents and secretly hope that it would be different. One of my favorite authors, Anne Lamott, says, "Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past." This resonates. I feel the tension.