Being Heard

Leaving the doctor's office from a blood draw, I walked home thinking about how many times I'd jumped through these hoops all because I wasn't heard. The backstory here is that my current doctor is wondering if my panic attacks are due to low magnesium or a thyroid issue. To even consider this dismisses over 30 years of clinical notes detailing my long history with an anxiety disorder. Diagnosed Complex PTSD and PMDD yet roughly every 5 years I get a doctor that wants to challenge this and have me start testing for a variety of random things. They shut me down and won't listen to me. Yet I know I need to smile sweetly and allow them their testing otherwise they take away what little relief I have. 

I used to get livid and rage against them when I felt unheard but I've learned it only make matters worse. My refusal to go back on antidepressants, or whatever new medication is being pushed, seems to cut at their egos as I repeatedly reject the options they want to try. I've tried every medication out there, with the exceptions of a few new ones, and I won't be their case study ever again. The withdrawals from some of these are debilitating. Once I experienced brain zaps for nearly a week, went to my doctor sobbing and begging for help, and she truly told me there was nothing at all that could be done with a fucking smirk on her face. I'm done. 

Now admittedly her reasoning for wanting me off my anti-anxiety medication is a good one. What I'm on has a side effect of early dementia, and my father and both of my aunts were diagnosed with Alzheimer's. So while I understand her concern, also keep in mind I only get 15 pills a month and they are low dose. It's not like I get to skip along the lane popping these like Tic Tacs. I don't feel heard.

It's well known that women historically are dismissed by doctors. We aren't heard especially when it comes to pain and mental health. I've fully given up on the medical community when it comes to my pain condition and treating myself. It's no longer worth my time and energy to fight with people that are supposed to be on my side. It's demeaning to have to beg for help only to be silenced. 

Though they shut down my requests I'm also vocal about how I fill in the gaps to their treatment. I boldly told my rheumatologist that since they say there is nothing more to do for me that I'll be self-treating my seronegative spondyloarthropathy with marijuana and yoga, as that's the only consistent things that give me relief. "Have you tried Abilify?", "No, and fuck your Abilify." Hard not to get punchy when you've endured decades of this treatment.

Not being heard by the medical professionals is exhausting but I know my anger runs much deeper as there is a lifetime of not being heard. I was silenced by my parents. At one point told our lives were at stake because of my big mouth. I was told I was out of line when I spoke up in church. A failed marriage after years of begging to be heard. When you feel you don't have a voice it can feel like being physically beaten daily.

I've recently found my voice. I'm learning how to stand up for myself without tears and hysteria. I'm speaking up for not only myself but for those still silenced. I will be heard.