Not saying everything

The entire point of my blog, Raw Bleach, was to write openly, freely and "not tone it down", and for the most part I do this. But I don't say everything. I hold back so much for fear of condemnation, judgment and also because my story isn't my own and I'm aware of revealing other's secrets. It's always a balancing act with each post and a challenge to push past the fears of what others will think or say.

While this has been my space to release and process, I came to a huge realization this morning that I need to go a lot deeper. I'm exploring writing my story from my experiences of the past 3 years. Speaking specifically to this time frame as it was 3 years ago I got divorced and truly a lifetime of wonderful, horrible, happy and excruciating has been packed into this time. This thought to go deeper also came as it hit me that I've been avoiding feelings, stuffing down situations that hurt and working so hard at "moving on" while not having dealt with all I need to move on and away from. Writing is how my mind makes sense of all that may never make sense. I can talk myself silly with friends and in therapy, yet writing is where my brain "gets it".

I'm in a space now where I feel I can survive whatever comes up. Feeling a new strength of being alone, standing in my power and ready to face life. Because how much can anyone really hurt me at this point? Will they laugh at my suffering? Some trolls certainly will but I know someone needs to hear it and see that you can still live. Lie about me? It really can't be any worse than lies that have been told about me my whole life. Ridicule me, cut me down, criticize me? Enjoy your karma, as I'll be quite all right.

Though I share my path, and so greatly appreciate the support I've received, I'm also walking it alone. I've always felt I needed someone to walk with me, to care for me and to protect me. Yet here I am doing it all and I'm at peace. 

So I'm going to write about everything that has happened. Perhaps it's only for me and will never be shared. All that matters is that I let it out and be free of it all. There is nothing to fear here. As one of my favorite quotes says, "You're a ghost driving a meat-coated skeleton made from stardust, riding a rock, hurtling through space. Fear nothing."