I suppose I have this unrealistic idea that to live out loud means pretty much walking around with a "fuck you" attitude, saying everything I think and balls to the wall at all times. There has to be a more balanced way of life where I can live my truth but not be a rebel without a cause. I want purpose. I want healthy boundaries. I want delight. I want to live like I'm dying (fully embracing each moment) but without reckless stupidity.
Where am I still getting small? I avoid confrontation even when it is needed and necessary. I still think in terms of "getting in trouble" without ever having been in trouble...not at all grounded in reality. Disagreement makes me nervous. I take things very personally. At times I'm scared to try for fear of being laughed at, of failure, or being told I'm not good enough. I care way too much about the opinions of others.
What am I hiding? And why am I hiding? Although I've had some wonderful comments about my bravery and courage in writing this blog; I'm hiding a lot. I'm hiding so much more than you realize. Much of this is self protection and a lot more is that my truth, and those stories, involve others who I don't want to anger or hurt or disclose what they may prefer hidden. There is also immense shame in revealing what I've kept hidden. I have to step back and ask if I'm ashamed for my actions, my faults, my insecurities, or even things I had no control over. Yet with each post I always make sure I say one thing I'd prefer others don't know. This is my attempt at a tip toe into out loud living.
RuPaul says, "It's your life's work to shine." And maybe shining is enough.
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