Honoring my truth, basically staying true to what I believe, can be a delicate balance for me. I find I walk a line between silently keeping the peace and screaming to be heard. I frequently question whether adding my voice will help someone to understand my point of view, or if it's just escalating the moment to where no one is heard and everyone is mad. I'm figuring out where my boundaries lie and how to proceed when they've been walked over. I want to be at a place where I'm firm in what I will and won't accept, as opposed to flailing through a difficult moment and processing it all much later.
With all this honoring of truth comes another question in how I express it. After a lifetime of being told to be quiet (especially in the church), stuffing things down so there wouldn't be a fight, and flat out trying not to think about it, many times my voice comes out much louder and more aggressive than the situation calls for. I'm trying, owning my part but very much still learning.
I also struggle with intense judgement. When I see a person behaving the polar opposite to what they claim to believe then I struggle to hold back my mouth. This happens most with people who claim to be Christian yet none of what Jesus spoke of is evident in their lives. This is why I wrote a blog post for 9 years about my old cult church; I call out inconsistencies hard. It's a huge statement that as an agnostic I am more true to the teachings of Jesus than those who claim their God is blessing the fuck out of them. Basically calling them out on what they claim is their truth.
But am I helping here? Am I heard? I can bible verse someone from here to sundown but will they care in the end? I often need to reel it back in and get back to my core, my truth and my boundaries. Incredibly challenging for a loud mouth such as myself, and also painful for the empathetic part of me. It's also interesting that my father was someone who would tell anyone his views without a care to how they felt or were affected. I hated that about him....and yet I do it too.
Yet I feel shame and anger at myself for so many of the times I stayed silent. I was recently asked to keep my views about Trump to myself because a Trumper was going to be there. I compromised in saying I wouldn't start anything but I wasn't backing down if confronted. Did I abandon myself there? Or was this a "pick your battles" moment? More to process.
Processing our lives, if you're living an examined life, is ongoing and never actually done. I can only say for today, for this time in my journey, I'm fighting daily to honor my truth.
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