A blog post a day for 30 days - Day 26 - Using the words to empower me

I've had thoughts for awhile about writing a post about shitty things that have been said to me over my lifetime and what those words did to me. I was speaking to a friend a few years ago and giving some examples of things that were said, and she said, "I've never in my life had anyone speak that awfully to me!" I have a lot of theories as to why people think they can say some heinous shit to me, and I may explore that later, but today I'm wanting to look at how I can take those words meant to burn me and use it as fuel for my fire.

Pretty sure I said this in a previous post but it deserves repeating as it says a lot about me; my mother once said, "You remember every bad word every said to you." She's right. I also remember every stupid thing I've ever said. Both the horrible things said to me, and the idiotic shit that's come out of my mouth, ramble incessantly through my brain. To the best of my ability I've apologized to anyone I felt I wronged in any way. Yet even for the very few that did ultimately apologize to me, their words weren't enough. Once the damage was done, once it was said, I allowed it to break me. I'm specifically using the word "allow" as I see how instead of letting it roll off me, I held tight, internalized and let it start to erode what little self worth I had.

Today is a new day and the clock is ticking on what little years I have left. Yes, I know I sound morbid about death and dying but this fuels me to keep going. I first have to look at what was said to me and ask if it's true; as even if it's true in another's perception doesn't mean it's actually a true statement. I know I used to not question it as if their words held power and were absolute facts. I also have to ask, even if this bullshit is true, does it matter? Is this person someone who cares about me and is trying to help me, or is their intent pain and harm? 

I think through the terrible things said to me and the answers are all different. For many, they were just shooting off their mouth without thought. For some, they were projecting their own low self esteem onto me. Others with full intention said exactly what they thought would cause me to suffer the most...fuck them.

Yet the days of me getting small, crying and wallowing in self hatred are gone. I'm examining everything right now: my actions, the actions of others, choices, dreams, fears and hopes. I walk daily through the fires of fear towards my happiness. I own that I'm not perfect yet am still wonderful, worthy and more than fucking enough. I heard your words and they have empowered me. I will rise and be more than you ever imagined. And you know what; for all the shit talkers out there that tried to demean, belittle and humiliate me...I actually hope you do the hard work that I'm doing to feel better about yourselves and stop hurting others. I wish you peace.