A blog post a day for 30 days - Day 5 - Too much

Many of us have spent our entire lives being told we're too much. Too loud, Too talkative. Too wild. Too untamed. Too caring. Too sensitive. Too much. I posted a meme recently that said, "Society: be yourself. Being yourself: no not like that".  I feel that hard.

I walk this line between doing what I want at full volume and keeping it at a level people can handle. I have friends who I watch their lives being their full selves, no inhibitions, no care of criticism and living out loud. I want that. I touch it periodically. Then the snide remarks come crashing in on me "Could you just take it down a notch?" "Calm down!" "Not so loud!" And it feel like verbal punches to my core.

So what would it look like for me to live fully in who I am? Rainbow hair? Possibly. Ridiculous outfits? Sometimes. Speaking without concern for your opinion? Whoa...now that's getting scary. And there it is...acceptance. We all want it though why are some of us able to function without it and others of us seek it like a drug? 

I feel like the answer lies in "Nature, Nurture or Both?". You're born with it. Don't give a fuck. Live life on your terms. Or from your early years you were told you mattered, were already accepted, so you felt the freedom to let it all out? The lucky few get both.

What if you got neither? I know I sure didn't have parents telling me "You can be anything you want to be!". I can't even fathom how that would feel. From my vantage point no one thought I'd be anything. Yet there is something in me that fights it.

Studies were done trying to figure out why some children could come from sad upbringings: abuse, neglect, poverty, and yet they succeed where others crumble. The one determining factor was an adult in their life (teacher, relative, coach, etc...) who believed in them.

I can only recall one adult, really one sentence, where I felt fully believed in. I was in my senior year of high school in a creative writing class.  I loved it! We had a writing assignment and I thought my piece was pretty funny.  Got it back from the teacher and he said, "This is Letterman material.". (For you young people David Letterman was a late night talk show host and comedian.) I felt seen, heard and appreciated. Letterman material.

But I've also had a long life of being too much. Even good friends have asked me to "tone it down". What's so funny in all these instances of being "too much" is not once in my life have I gone all the way. Oh that was too much? I could have done so much more. But the clock is ticking...