A blog post a day for 30 days - Day 4 - Who am I protecting?

My good friend and I speak every morning, and in our conversations we frequently challenge each other and push each other towards true happiness. She showed me a quote from Once Upon a Time where the question was asked "Who are you protecting?" and it jumped out at me. Because the answer wasn't that I was protecting myself so many times.

Who do I protect over myself? First thought is the feelings of others. Though I'm opinionated and blunt I never want to be hurtful. I've shut up many a time, or softened possibly more than I should, in order to protect someone who I felt I needed to be delicate around on the subject. I became my mother's protector at an early age. She had what I'd call a functional breakdown after divorcing my father. Functional in that she held a job and still maintained the basics of life, but her decision making went to shit. And I picked up the pieces and needed to be watchful for her and what horror might come next. Protected my child of course. But this feels deeper than all that.

At times I think I protect my younger self by not fully acknowledging all that happened. I've had times telling someone about an experience I had and I wasn't prepared for the shock on their face, nor their response saying, "I had no idea you were so abused!". That was abuse? It was pretty normal in my circles. When a way of life, being spoken to, being treated a certain way is all you know you don't even consider words like abuse, neglect and being marginalized.

I protect my past. (Though this blog is blowing that protection away.) I don't trust what people do with the information. I've been judged, laughed at, gossiped about and looked down on. Even when I let you know something, no matter how juicy, I won't tell it all until I'm sure you can handle it. Most can't handle much.

I've protected, apologized, gotten small, let boundaries be broken and allowed myself to be walked on. Those days are gone. You've been warned.