Not as I'd planned

Looking back over my blog I found my post from October 2nd talking about what I'd do in my next 90 days.  Before I even started to read it I thought, "Hell....I know I didn't do any of what I said I would."  And that's true, as all the plans for waking up earlier, meditation, maybe even a little less wine/whine just didn't happen.  One line stuck out for me though "I want something bigger though; I want to look at my choices, ideas, decisions and how I react to life.  In short; I want to fully own my life."  

Well it didn't go as planned; and when in life does it really go that way?  But I actually did do as I wanted in a round about way.  I stood up for myself in situations where I'd normally back down.  I set difficult boundaries.  I made painful choices when I saw the truth of the situation.  I said Yes.  I said No.  I made mistakes but it was my life decisions.  I fully owned my life.

My 90 days aren't through yet.  In fact, I expect the next week to be my most painful this year.  I want to hide.  I want to sleep it away.  I don't want to feel this.  Yet it's all necessary.  We try to drink, eat, drug, sex, shop and avoid what won't feel good.  But do we ever actually not feel it?  The pain is there even when we make attempts to buffer over it.  Then if we're doing the hard work to get healthy we have to feel it all over again!  Fuck.  Best to feel it the first time, right?  Rarely happens?  True.

There may be objection to this statement (come at me therapists!) but I think not feeling is OK sometimes. It's survival.  There are times I've had to say, "I fucking can't right now.  Not now." Those moments when your body, mind and soul are too overloaded and to 'feel it' would crumble you.  I'm still facing situations from many decades ago that I didn't have the strength to feel at the time.  Do the work, push yourself, but allow a shit ton of space too.

So to finish out my 90 days I'm choosing me. It will look, feel and be as I choose.  It may appear selfish.  You may disagree.  Either way I choose me.