What to say

A friend texted me a day ago saying they didn't think they'd make it through the night. They have a long suicidal ideation history like me, and also a dark sense of humor, so initially I thought we were doing our melancholy joking. Then they sent me the letter they'd written their dad explaining and saying goodbye. A few more texts got progressively worse...and I didn't know what to say.

I've said before that there are no perfect words when someone is this far down. I wanted to say, "Please keep going." "I will be devastated if you're gone." "You have so much to live for." Yet those same things have been said to me, and I know how they don't land well and many times feel like a slap in the face. I felt the pain that others have expressed that they feel with me: helplessness, sadness, and fear. Then deep shame for what I've put people through by sharing so much and choking them with the agony I'm drowning in. And I felt like it all hung on me in this moment. 

I did the only thing I knew to keep them alive: I stayed and wouldn't let them go. I asked where they were. They were sobbing, earbuds cutting in and out, I couldn't decipher much but I kept them talking. They got home and the pain was pouring out of them. "I have nothing to live for." "I'm a loser in this life." "I can't take anymore." I said I understand and feel every one of those thoughts every day. I asked if I could come over and they said their roommate would be home soon. More ominous talk. I asked if I could take them to the hospital. But then we both talked about what would happen: handcuffed to the bed for suicide watch, drugs, 72 hour commitment, and then nothing really changes. They smoked some keef and said they were passing out. I said my phone ringer was on high and I would have it by me all night. I didn't know if I did the right thing.

Woke up and immediately texted to make sure they'd made it through the night. Though deeply depressed the urgency to die appears to have softened for the moment. 

I'm living it too and I still don't know what to say.