Remembering with No Relief

 
"I remember now"

The start of one of my favorite and most emotional albums starts with the main character recalling all the pain and trauma he's gone through. (Queensryche - Operation Mindcrime) I first heard this after moving to San Francisco for a nanny job. I didn't care about being a nanny, I was running away. I'd had 3 years of non-stop trauma and violence and I was breaking down. I want to call this my second mental break, after a weak suicide attempt earlier, but really it was the cumulation of my entire life and my mind longer being able to contain it. I'd listen to the songs incessantly feeling the darkness of the story. It wasn't my story but my connection to the pain of it all, as I was so tormented and desolate. 

I went to one of my best friend's bands last night which is a tribute to Queensryche and they were specifically doing all of Operation Mindcrime. I was worried as my head has been struggling with loud noise and bright lights. But I love this album so much, I love her, I wanted to be there. I had planned to sit in the far back alone with ear plugs in, but I saw other friends and joined them. We moved near the stage, and though the drums were pounding on my nervous system, I didn't want to hide in back. I wanted to be in the land of the living again. But I lost it, the emotions took over, and I cried.

Ketamine creates a window where the brain says it's safe to feel this; even when it doesn't feel safe. It loosens the control system that normally keeps difficult emotions contained. Think of it less like “creating happiness” and more like taking the lid off what’s already there. I'm told this wasn't losing control, though it felt like it, but stored emotion getting access to movement, my nervous system not shutting down (instead spilling all over the place for everyone to see), and grief that has stayed shoved down getting felt. 

With my brain more permeable and less defended, sounds, visuals, memories, I was an open ball of nerves. The music matched what I feel of my internal story as Operation: Mindcrime is literally about: manipulation, lost identity, love that wasn’t real, and waking up and seeing it.

"And I raise my head and stare into the eyes of a stranger".

I don't even see myself in the mirror anymore. I look like I've aged so many years where I used to be able to mostly hide it. As I stare into my own eyes I think "I don't know if I can survive this". The pain I feel right now is visceral. Even when not recalling a specific memory, I am at all times feeling the weight of my entire past. I never know when the tears will start. 

"Is this all that's left of my life before me? Straight jacket memories, sedative highs. No happy ending like they always promised! There's got to be something left for me."

In their depiction of Mindcrime she does an incredible job of showing the main character's suffering bringing out a gun and later in a hospital gown for when they are committed. I'm still being encouraged to go to inpatient, one of my biggest life fears, and I'm refusing. Though I am not an assassin like this character, I felt like I was looking at myself. Ketamine is doing what it's supposed to right now as it loosens the walls that keep everything contained. I was mortified as the crying started, probably should have excused myself to the bathroom, but instead I was frantically trying to get a tissue out of my purse so no one would see. My purse was stuffed too tight, I was digging and starting to panic, while trying to still be there and experience one of my favorite songs that was playing. 

If there is belief in good energy in the universe, perhaps this is what was supposed to happen. This moment, this album, watching and feeling that performance, my emotions unable to stay down. But fuck does it hurt and so embarrassing. Deep awareness is excruciating when you can't numb it or override it. I've had 13 treatments and this is when deeper things are accessed and processed. But not a point of relief. I'm hitting the part it’s meant to expose: grief that didn’t get to move, seeing patterns in real time and attachment pain that was stored and not resolved. 

I'm told this is the messiest part. I sob without breathing.