Rewiring My Brain

I lost my mind recently, quite literally, and have been trying to claw my way back to some form of sanity. Have I ever in my entire life been mentally stable? Is this even something achievable for me? You would be hard pressed to find a self-help book I haven't tried, over 30 years of therapy, and so much medication (prescribed and self-administered). I'm weary from all the effort and wary of the latest miracle cure. Yet I'm always resilient, even when I'd rather give up, and I've given up many times.

I've had a lot of critique in my lifetime about my bad attitude. It's true that I'm fatalist and pessimistic. My trauma says you aren't going to survive if you hope too hard. Hope gets you hurt and disappointed. I'm rolling through my head of all the times I thought maybe, just this once, things would work out, and they were demolished before my eyes. When I was in Christianity I'd be shamed, "Well did you really believe? You have to really believe." I believed to the level my mind would allow based on past experience. 41 years of a silent God left me abandoned and hurt. It was familiar. 

I've tried positive affirmations each morning. Gratitude lists. Crystals in my bra. Setting intentions under the moon. And I feel like the universe, some deity, energy, just hates me. I work hard. I try. I try again. And not to say that I've never had anything good, but those deep neural pathways in my brain always say...get ready because you're about to lose it all. 

Instead of living off hopes and wishes, I'm looking to science to override my entire belief system of who I am and what is possible. Basically, I'm climbing Mount Everest barefoot and alone. I went to hypnotherapy to try and get past my negativity towards myself and access a deeper level in my mind. I listen to an audio tape for me every night as I go to sleep. I will say the crying fits have mostly stopped, but the old beliefs of lack, scarcity and sorrow loom large overhead. 

I've recently been hearing about quantum manifestation from varied sources. When the same thing is being shown to me over and over I do take note. 

Quantum manifestation is the concept that our thoughts and intentions can influence the quantum field, allowing us to create our desired reality through focused energy and consciousness. 

Can I do this while not really believing it? Or are we back to the theory that if you don't believe then it's your fault when nothing works out? I do believe in the brain's neuroplasticity to rewire and restructure. I believe in my own tenacity and resilience. I believe speaking your truth really does set you free.

I'm trying.