Letting them go

My former spouse texted me pictures yesterday of the barn outside the house we'd shared that had collapsed. I initially hated that barn. I didn't want to live in the far suburbs, didn't want to be so remote, hated everything there, but I'd given in as I always did just to keep the peace. A barn next door to me meant I wasn't in the city, wasn't living the life I wanted, and felt like isolation. Hated it so much. But a few years in I woke up to a spectacular sunrise which showcased that old barn. The barn became something peaceful to me. I enjoyed having coffee and looking out at it, with the raggedy old windmill next to it, and being able to take a few deep breaths which were rare for me. 

I started to think of who of my friends I should text to talk about the barn collapse as it felt significant for me. I scrolled through all my texts and found there wasn't a single person I knew that had seen that barn. There was no one because most of the friends from the first part of my life, my life then, have left me. It's been over 5 years since I left that home, over 5 years since I divorced, and of these people only 1 reached out early on to talk to me, and the silence ever since has been deafening. 

I don't actually know why they are no longer my friends. These are people I've known for over 40 years. I spend every Christmas at their homes along with bringing my husband and son. I knew their entire extended family. I felt I was one of them. The one that called me in the beginning of my exit I'm seeing was just looking for information, gossip, and didn't really care about me. I was there for her babies being born, I was at her wedding, I was there when she became a meth addict, and I was there when she found recovery. I thought it was more than friendship. I've guessed that they didn't like my divorce, but really suspect it's because of my loud and proud statements about no longer believing in a God, no longer a Christian, and being highly vocal about the abuse that happens in churches. 

Ending a friendship is like a divorce; you think it will last forever, you feel disbelief at how this person now treats you, you grieve. It also makes me look back and ask some hard questions as to whether they have ever supported me as a person and lifted me up. They didn't. I've truly been grieving this for years now. I noticed they never liked any of my Facebook posts yet were liking those of my family. Felt like a statement. It's true I could have reached out also but admittedly I was standing back to watch actions. I saw my friend remarry, I saw grandchildren being born, I saw their vacation pics, and I liked everything both as genuine care but also to say I see you; do you see me? 

I've spoken before about releasing what no longer serves me. I'm usually speaking about negative thoughts and bad habits, but releasing a friend is different. They truly don't serve me anymore. Between religion, politics, and life, we are no longer compatible people. I would likely be pretty rude about my feelings on a lot of things, and I wouldn't serve them either. The friendship has collapsed without chance of building it back up.

I'm living a big life. My choices are my own, I look daily towards happiness, and I do whatever I want. They will not in any way benefit my future, nor I theirs. I wish them well and am letting them go.