All by myself

When children are first leaning some autonomy they frequently say, "I can do it all by myself" when there is an offer to help them. I've had a lifetime of 'all by myself' both chosen and without choice. To do anything else is terrifying. The thought of asking for help in any way, even when offered, makes me quite literally nauseated. I'm the helper. I'm the one that does nice things. I'm the one to call. But I can't ask or allow it for me.

When I was getting divorced 4 years ago I didn't ask anyone for help moving out except for my brother and step father as I stubbornly had to admit I couldn't lift some things on my own. A few friends offered assistance but I turned them down. Finally another guy friend insisted on helping, and as I wasn't sure of my step father's strength, I took him up on the offer, while hating that I needed to do this. Another friend kept offering even when I turned her down. She was relentless. Ultimately she said, "You are hurting me by not letting me do this." I never want to hurt anyone so I allowed it. I needed much more help than I let on. I allowed everyone to do enough to fill a moving truck and said I could do the rest myself and I really couldn't. I went back to the house I'd lived for over a decade and was planning on having everything perfectly organized and even clean before I left. But my soon to be ex was texting at a manic pace asking over and over if I was gone. I couldn't take it, threw what I could see in a box, and left crying.

In the early hours this morning my cat decided to claw his way up the curtains. I was asleep, heard the noise and was grateful that the curtains weren't pulled out of the wall. Then I awoke to the curtains pulled out of the wall. I stared at them knowing full well I suck at all things home maintenance. I'm bad in embarrassing ways. This is the 5th place I've owned, and then countless places I've rented, and I am barely able to keep up with the most basic of things. I was reminded that I can always pay someone to do what I can't. This makes sense but it's not that easy. I'm first ashamed to ask someone, pay someone, to do something that in my mind a "normal adult" could do. Add to this worry that because I'm so stupid about home stuff that they'll take me for a ride and I won't be able to say no. What typically happens is I become immobile.

Today I felt pretty good though, and thought just maybe I give this an try, and at worst I shred the wall in my attempt. I tried to shove the screw back in and it fell out. I went to my drawer in the pantry which has a laughable amount of tools, screws, nails and other home type stuff. I surmised that if I used a longer screw that maybe it would hold. I'm short so even standing on a stool means I'm straining to reach high enough for this curtain. As I was screwing the screw in my arms hurt and I felt more shame that my upper body strength has been depleted. My cat was watching me from the bed, and instead of feeling anger that he did this I felt pity on him for having a mommy that was so unskilled in being an adult. Somehow the screw finally went in and it appears I fixed it. Chances of this all coming down during their night are at 99.9% but right now in this little blink of a moment I did it all by myself.

This is one of those achievements that make me feel powerful, strong, resilient....and so completely by myself. It's not so much someone helping me, well it sorta is, but the isolation of it all. Now I certainly know who I could ask, where I could call, I'm not lacking in ways to get things done. But shame and fear are powerful immobilizers, and logic typically has a hard time overriding them.

My daily meditation book said to share an untold part of my story so someone else could share in the human conditioning and let it set me free. It reminded me of why I write...to set me free and hopefully set another free. Fixing curtains won't matter in the end but knowing I helped another walk a few more steps home is everything.