Do I care what you think?

Do I care what you think? Yeah, of course I do but not about everything. So where is the line drawn on what is true to me, that I do for me, and the things where your opinion can get to me? And how do I bridge that gap between what I want and your acceptance?

My decorating style, which isn't what you'd call classic, is something I had to hold back while I was married. I knew the ideas I had would never be accepted and I was also trying to "do things right" (whatever that means). It took me at least 2 years in my place to get it through my head that I owned it and my opinion was the only one that mattered. I first painted my kitchen red, my bedroom pink and my living room yellow. I started adding art that I loved by artists whose work I followed and not merely mass produced things to fill the space. I now look around my space and I smile without a single care if anyone else would like it. It's fully mine.

I know I'm funny. Now will you like my humor? Possibly. Will you think I go too far? Likely. Yet it's one of those things that even if a comedienne I greatly admire were to tell me "You're not very funny" it would hurt but it wouldn't break me or stop me. I might not ever make it to a main stage but I know I can be pretty hysterical.

My aesthetic is something I'm still growing into. I walk a fine line between the quirky things I like to wear and still working in a corporate setting. I like a little of everything and perhaps my style is what I want in the moment. My ex boyfriend tried to cut me down saying the pink in my hair made me look like Bozo the clown. Though critiques and putdowns can generally hurt me that didn't, because I love my fun hair colors and it's not an area anyone can slam me for. 

And then there's the rest of life...

I'm mostly happy with my writing and I see where it can get better. Yet there are so many fears: Am I using commas correctly? Did I end with a preposition? Am I descriptive enough? Or worse yet....am I saying the same shit over and over? It wouldn't take much to take me out.

When I was a child I was in ballet and my dream was to be a ballerina. I did well in class and had a healthy self esteem about it. As my parents were divorcing I was practicing in the living room one day when my mother came in and started watching me. She said, with disdain and a laugh, "What are you doing!?". I said I was practicing. Her tone became more animated, "For what!?". "To be a ballerina." She let out a hoot and said, "You'll never be a ballerina...you're too short." I quit the next day.

Recently I was at an open jam night for people to come play with a band and have some fun. Many are currently in bands, or have been so in the past, and admittedly my only real experience was choir and being a karaoke MC at bars. I expressed to a lady at the table that I'd participated at other places but felt intimidated by this crowd. She started to encourage me when another person interjected and said I shouldn't as there was another that was unequivocally better than me. I fully agreed but hung my head. The lady then came back saying, "Or she can just go do what she wants and have fun!". I nodded a thank you to her but I was already beaten by then.

"You're way too much!" Now this is one I've heard all my life. I have moments where I can be told this and I laugh and think "Nope...you wish you were as much as me!" and others where I cower and shrink and wonder "Why can't I just tone it the fuck down?". 

I saw this on a friend's post today and it gives me hope that one day nothing will cause me to crumble...

I have been told "never" so many times in my life.

I would never be a successful entrepreneur.

I would never be a good mom.

I would never be a good partner.

I would never have money.

I would never be loved all the way through.

The greatest pleasure in my life, is proving all of those "never's" wrong.