Regrouping

I made a grand statement last year that I had a goal of turning my blog into a book and publishing by my birthday. I'm less than 4 months from my birthday and other than some random posts I am nowhere near publication level. But this time in the name of breaking old habits I'm regrouping and asking the hard questions. Why did I want to publish? Do I truly want to share my deepest fears, secrets and shame? Or would publishing make me feel special and like I did something worth talking about? Was I looking for self worth in publication?

A page I follow said this and it stopped me cold in my tracks. "Stop trying to get results to prove anything to anyone else"

One of my favorite writers, Anne Lamott, whose work gave me encouragement to write, says this about publication, "Almost every single thing you hope publication will do for you is a fantasy, a hologram, it's the eagle on your credit card that only seems to soar."

There's definitely the feeling that to be published feels like the words and work meant something. The trophy for bleeding all over the place. But taking publication off the table as the goal to achieve opens me up to say the harder things. The more I thought of the whole world being able to know the deepest parts of me that I've shared only made me close up, be vague and lose the core honesty I wanted to have. 

So why not simply write for myself and not share at all? I'm an open person, more than a little extroverted, and to be a bit TMI is part of my makeup. Sharing also takes away the shame. When I say something that shows my humanity and someone says, "thank you...no one has said it that way and I needed to know I'm not alone" it's then worth the possible embarrassment of letting everyone know my shit. 

Exposing myself helps me to feel my existence matters. It gives me space to process where I'm at, where I've been and where I'd like to go. It's my open diary to the world to say that I was here. My writing says I'm fucked up, you're fucked up and this is OK.

So I'm taking publication off of my goals list (though if a publisher reached out I would sure jump at the chance). I hate not achieving my goals. It gives me extreme anxiety. Yet in the name of creating my own rules, as this is my life, I will breathe through the discomfort and own it.