When the past comes back to haunt you

The past can come back to haunt you when you least expect it and that's a part of what makes it so terrifying. It's like in the horror film where the person is running, sweating, and fearing for their lives and they think they got away. They stop, calm their breathing, maybe even smile and that's when the killer jumps from out of nowhere. 

I had one of my worst PTSD episodes in over 20 years yesterday. I received a message request on Facebook from someone I wasn't friends with and I assumed it was a random person or even a scammer. I didn't immediately pay it attention but then I looked again and once I took in what name was my blood ran cold. To top it off I reached out to my family to figure out what was happening and found that a relative friended his brother. I feel completely exposed and violated. I begged him to block him and instead he sent me a screen shot of a Google name search, showing how anyone can find you anyway. I've been shaking uncontrollably. On the edge of telling my entire family to fuck off and walking away forever

This is what keeps people with PTSD hyper vigilant even when ridiculously significant amounts of time has passed, as they fear, even know, that the past can still come back. Though my own PTSD is complex and spans large amounts of time, events, and trauma, the worst of it came when I was in my teens. You'll be told, and tell yourself, that you're safe, it's over, you'll never ever see these people again, and out of nowhere they are back.

I'm not prepared emotionally or otherwise to share exactly who this person is to me and what went on, though I've alluded to it in past posts. I don't believe they are coming to get me, or at least that's the hope. Yet every safety precaution I felt I had in place, from them and others, feels yanked away from me as they now know my name, what I look like, and possibly much more. It feels like a rape and I've been raped enough to know this feeling well. It's been 35 years and I'm still not free of this.

Digging deeper this feels like abandonment. Though I told a few friends who did check on me, I've spent the day alone with this. No one in my family, knowing I was in full freak out, has said a word to me today. All the old messages are screaming in my head "you weren't wanted" "no one cares" "you're the disposable one" "the nightmare will never end". A few years after we were able to escape that situation we were put into another on that was just as violent. The song "Me against the world" came out and I sang and recited it to give me strength as there was nowhere to turn but myself.

No cute conclusion here where I say I'm trying and there might just be hope on the horizon. This moment is only hot baths, wine and forcing each next breath. And I don't want pity. I know there are no good words to say and fuck anyone who throws out some well worn cliché. I'm safe but preparing for another night of nightmares.