Reclaiming who you truly are

When I finish a yoga class with my hands in prayer position, I place them on my forehead and say, "your thoughts", place them on my mouth and say, "control your words", place them at my heart "decide your actions". I'm not sure where I learned it but this has been part of my practice for at least 5 years. Now digging into manifesting/intentions, it's the same vibe. Yet if I take a hard look at my thoughts I see I do little to control them, and thus my actions and outcomes show this.

After meditating today it occurred to me the words I use around what I consider to be my role in my family. Some of the things I've frequently said over the years: "I got all the bad traits in the family" "I was the one they didn't want." "No one cared what happened to me" "I'm alone in this world." This was further triggered as my mother bought my brothers and myself DNA kits. Our results just came back and I found myself jealous over various percentages where I got less and my brothers got more. Again, feeling that if it's something that was passed down through heredity, and it sucks, then I got it. I have a lifetime of people telling me how great looking, successful and talented my brothers are only to then look me up and down and force a smile. 

I've of course been told those people were rude, my father was a dick, and all other statements made to me weren't true. Yet how many times can you hear something and not believe it? Typically you're told "You just have to love yourself and not listen to anyone else!" with no real way to undo that deep neural pathway you've dug in your brain that tells you the opposite. For someone with decades of their self deprecating beliefs, it's not at all helpful to spout out some cute cliché and think that person will somehow magically achieve this. 

Now I've attempted affirmations for years and have an app that sends me one each morning. "I feel great about myself and my life." "I deserve to have a healthy relationship." "I boldly go after what I want in life." "I love and respect myself." These are tolerable and I half-heartedly believe them. But when attempting hard core self beliefs I crumble. "I am beautiful." "I am talented." "I'm perfect as I am." My body starts to recoil when I say these things, the voice in my head screams "this isn't true and stop saying it or you'll only get hurt". 

"you'll only get hurt" I feel those last words are key here. I don't want to even allow myself such beliefs as then I feel it prevents someone telling me I'm wrong and wounding me deeper. I don't need a therapy appointment to know whose voice this is; it's my father's. I can hear him smugly laughing at people, including me, saying what they felt wasn't true. He somehow associated the "sin" of lying as meaning you need to bluntly give any opinion you want no matter the consequences. When I first heard the song "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera I pictured myself singing it to my father..."words can't bring me down....so don't you bring me down today...".  Getting over my relationship with my father may be more pivotal than even my relationship with myself.

Despite all evidence to the contrary I do try. I do the daily affirmations, I meditate, I do yoga, I *like* every positive post you can conceive of, I cheer others on, I see the worth and beauty in all things. I've written so many life affirming intentions and manifestations that I have piles of notebooks with them everywhere. And there will be moments where I think, yeah I'm sorta OK, only to have it later crumble before me. Last night I went out and looking in the mirror before leaving I felt cute enough, just had my hair done, the body parts I despise decently hidden or disguised, make up seemed on point. I tried to take a selfie and each one in my head got progressively worse. So I let it go and had a great time. The next day there were pictures of the fun night out and I looked like hell by anyone's standards. I'm likely the least photogenic person alive and 99% of the time I'm the one ruining a picture with my eyes closed (or worse, half open liked I'm stoned out of my mind). I again crumbled. 

Life is so funny sometimes. As I was writing this post, hating on myself pretty hard, wiping tears, a friend posted another picture of me (eyes amazingly open!) where I kind of liked it. She did this to counter the rips I was giving myself on a previous picture. So now as happens so often I'm forced to face that just maybe my father's words weren't true. Maybe the ways I slam myself to avoid future pain isn't helping. Possibly, just maybe, I've never allowed myself to be who I truly am, claim who I truly am, and certainly accept who I truly am. 

Pulled a card...well fuck. OK, universe, though I think you're a bitch most of the time...one more try.