Creating My Life

I use this blog to process trauma, process life, and let my shit out. If you were only reading these excerpts of my existence it would appear that I'm in continual emotional agony. But the truth is that my life is pretty great! I have worked hard to construct the life I want. I've made monumental mistakes, I've fallen hard, but at my core is my resilience and tenacity to keep moving forward. 

I made these realizations in a therapy appointment yesterday. My therapist was asking what was true to me when the voices and opinions were gone. Initially I said, "I don't know." but then it came to me that though I don't hold onto hope for things like a soul mate, wealth, or fame, there is still something in me that wants to fight past it all and find freedom in being myself. 

Oscar Wilde said, "To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." When I left my marriage nearly 4 years ago I decided I wanted more. This wasn't a completely selfish act as I knew my husband wasn't happy and I wanted more for him as well. I left with not a lot more than my clothes, shoes and makeup. I left to create a life I wanted. I left to find happiness. And it was terrifying. The first few months I spent every night sitting alone on my porch, drinking wine, eating tortilla chips, and staring out as far as I could see. 

I'm making it on my own. Sometimes I look around my little condo and say out loud, "You did this. All you. You can be proud." I've had this picture on my fridge the entire time and it could easily be my life mantra. Because I'm not okay with a life that is merely okay. I want more. And this more may mean heartache, suffering, and even dying alone, but it's all my own creation and this makes me happy.

Risking absolutely everything you've got for the smallest chance that something absolutely amazing could happen.