I broke up with him days before Easter as the Coronavirus was starting to intensify. On Easter night the weather was awful; cold, freezing rain and gloomy. As I'm no longer a Christian I didn't care about Jesus rising from the dead, and not having a young child there was no need for baskets or treats, so I sat alone on my couch drinking wine and crying. In my peripheral vision I saw movement in the trees outside my condo. Even though it was dark, and the trees blocking a lot, I recognized his shape and movements. He'd spied on me before during a breakup so I wasn't shocked. I also knew he wasn't stalking me to actually see me; he wanted to see if I was with anyone. I looked straight ahead wondering how long he'd stand in the rain staring at me. Since I was alone he left pretty quickly.
In the following weeks I started to see him frequently. Around 9pm when it was getting dark my eyes would catch the movement and there he would be. I wanted to run out there and scream and tell him to leave but I was frozen. I knew from experience to document when he did this. I didn't actually fear he'd hurt me but all the old traumas came up and I couldn't move.
When my mother's second husband would go on a rampage we had to run for our lives. Sometimes we'd hide in an upper floor of the apartment building and peek out a window to the parking lot to monitor his activity. We had to stay still while watching because movement might have alerted him to our presence. Becoming immobile was a means of survival. In therapy I'd heard the term "fight or flight" forever but it never landed well with me. In recent years I noticed they added "freeze" and that was one I understood well. I get mad at myself frequently for times I should do something, say something but I freeze.
I ultimately needed to get a harassment order on him after he went on a tirade of texts and emails that were demeaning and abusive. I still look for movement in the trees even though I know he's long gone. If I'm triggered from old memories I find I will repeatedly look and check. I'll sometimes tell myself out loud "stop looking!" yet my eyes will minutes later take a glance over just in case.
My therapist told me "the trauma neurology is frozen". Working so hard to release it and feel safe and free. I don't know that I've really ever felt that at all. Looking forward to the day I no longer look for movement in the trees.
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