Distance

I've seen a theme emerging in my life and have finally learned to pay attention when this happens. Now whether this is some divine plan, or simply the wisdom I've gained on my own throughout the years, doesn't really matter to me. So I lean hard into self observation to see what's going on under the surface. I'm seeing distance in all its forms coming up for me so I'm asking the intense questions to gain insight and my own guidance.

They say you gain perspective with distance. Getting away from a situation, time and space all allow us to view things differently. Instead of asking what I did wrong, as I'm actually hyper aware of this, I'm looking at what my core intentions were that resulted in my behavior and choices. There have been pivotal relationships for me that disintegrated as I acted in love. But I see the love was only for them and never for me. I put my needs in the distance only to still have it fall apart. Yet with my current distance I also see that I needed these things to happen. Don't think I'm feeling chill and zen about this; I'm pissed off. Angry at the trauma bonding that brought me here. Pouting that my life is way more than half over and I'm still learning the lessons that I feel should have been understood decades ago. In the distance there is hope and maybe even healing, but for today I need to sit with the pain and the truth.

I'm feeling physical distance with someone new in my life. This is a situation I've never experienced so I'm seeing my mind flip flopping around to figure out what to do, how to behave and most importantly how not to be hurt. Self sabotage is poking around and threatening to blow shit up. From a distance I know my intentions are to avoid abandonment. Lets just see how much I can push and be reckless so my self fulfilling prophecy will happen sooner rather than later. Actually if I can hold my impulsive responses back a bit I may find the distance can bring about something new and amazing that I couldn't have imagined.

Struggling with the distance of our current world state in this pandemic. Being a high extrovert that now lives and works alone is grueling for me. I spend entirely too much time on social media to attempt to fill my need for connection. Yet we have to find literal distance right now to save ourselves.

I'm learning that sometimes distance is needed. I've realized my perspective isn't always correct. I'm forcing myself to allow my feelings to matter. Distance will not kill me.