I've felt an intense shift happen in me in the past two weeks. I wanted to say a breakthrough but to me that word implies something instant and this has been excruciatingly slow, with decades of work. I've had moments that used to hurt me that didn't anymore. I've observed my feelings at times that would typically trigger me and found I was grounded and clear. I feel changed.
It reminds me of when I trained for a marathon. Not being a runner I was starting at ground zero, or lower, as there is nothing about my physique that is geared for running. My pacing was awful, I didn't know what I was doing, I made mistakes every single time. Though I persevered what ultimately got me to that finish line was the words and actions of those around me. There were amazing runners, ones that had completed Boston marathon multiple times, who I felt ashamed to even talk about my attempts at running, who lifted me up, supported me and encouraged me. My friend who was an experienced runner but also her first marathon, who took me under her wing and became my training partner even though I was slower and held her back. I wasn't able to sink in self defeat as so many were rooting for me.
My writing can make me feel like I've been gutted in front of a crowd. Many times I'll post and truly run out my door to walk in the woods in order to silence the voices in my head screaming that I've made a terrible mistake to share so much. Yet so often I'll come back and hesitantly check my post to see others liked or loved it. There have been words of encouragement and understanding that dropped me to my knees in tears. Tears I'd refused to shed that I can no longer control. It was that repetition of walking through the fires of my fear and coming out to find I wasn't only not burned but was comforted and believed in.
I'm feeling a strength that is new and different and healthy. It's not my survival control where I plow my way through life getting torn apart in the process. It's a knowing that I had the power all along. I'll never look back and say I'm glad it all happened (stop telling people that), but I can say I'm using the pain and trauma for good.
Thank you to those that have continued to uplift and encourage me as you watch me process my existence. I can't count the times I've gone back to read comments, saved some, and used your words to get me through the dark hours of the night. We need each other. We need to tell our stories (though certainly you don't have to do it on stage as I'm doing). I'm grateful and hope I can repay you all in some way.
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